Why Controlling your children too much is Bad

(Theatlantic.com)

It may seem good to control all the things your child does for their own safety, but too much control is bad for your child.  This is because a child and especially a teen needs to learn self-control.  I've seen it over and over when a parent has been too controlling, the child either rebels as a teen or young adult, or they have no idea how to practice self-control when they leave home.

Don't get me wrong, too little control is just as bad.  Permissiveness is not good parenting.  The best way is a middle road.  Your main form of parenting should be listening, teaching, and loving.  Then let them learn through their own experience.  Give them practice making choices with their electronics, without giving total free reign.  For instance, you can have house rules such as computers only in the main area of the house, and no more than one show a day be watched, or 45 min. of computer time.  Then you can teach about not watching violence, or pornography.  You can fill them with love.  Then let them choose, but watch what they do, and discuss their choices and the consequences, but only control what you need to keep them safe...not every little decision.  If you clamp down, and don't allow any t.v. or electronics, your child will not have the experience he needs to make good choices in the world of electronics when he leaves home.

When children are younger they will need much more control than when they are teens.  Your control should loosen as they get older so they will be able to practice being independent.  This doesn't mean you can check out as a parent.  You need to know what your kids are doing and be talking to them and teaching them often.  You  can let them choose how they spend their time, after they have fulfilled their home and school responsibilities.  You can teach them that the better they are at fulfilling responsiblities, the more freedom and trust they earn.  This is how it works in the real world.

Your goal is to have them be able to take care of themselves when they leave home.  Your teaching and your love should not lessen when your children are older.  If anything it may need to increase.  Don't nag your teens, but pick moments when their guard is down to talk to them about life, mostly listening and guiding them to come up with their own solutions.

The middle road, not too controlling, and not too permissive.  Therein lies the "sweet spot" that will help your children grow to successful adults.

Children Need to Feel Respect

(www.telegraph.co.uk)

After reading this article about how marriage partners make "bids" for love and respect, I noticed that my children do it too.  You can strengthen or weaken the relationship with your child by how you respond to their "bids."  Often they "fish" for respect or love by issuing a challenge.  I saw it in the home of one of my friends the other day.  The daughter was saying something that she learned in school and the mother was arguing that it was incorrect.  But interestingly, I don't think the daughter was wanting to be "right,"  I think that she was just fishing for her mother's approval and respect.  So I want to keep this more in mind as I deal with my children's "challenges."  It's probably good to ponder what the real reason is behind their challenge.  Are they just fishing for love, attention, or respect?  If so, then it's important to react in a way that validates this need.  Of course, if you need to teach them correct principles in response to this challenge, you can always do it in a soft way that preserves the feeling that you love them.  And lastly, something to remember is that experience is a better teacher than you sometimes.  So if they challenge you that they want to do something that you know isn't going to work, and it's going to be pretty harmless if they fail, tell them that you trust their judgement and will let them try what they want to try.  Though you may want to ask them non-judgemental questions in order to help lead them through their thought processes.  And always remember to do it with love.

Lack of Experience and Brain Development

(www.i-ortho.com)

I wanted to write a post about why we should all be more patient with our teens.  Sometimes teenagers act like little adults.  It certainly seems that they should have the same judgement we do when they are making decisions.  But then we are surprised when they do something so silly, we can't understand where it came from.  For instance, once my son put off starting his homework until MIDNIGHT.  Yes, midnight, in spite of reminders to get going on his homework by his parents...and then he started a couple of HUGE assignments that were due the next day...and finally went to sleep at 5am.  He had to get up at 6am.

Needless to say, I was perplexed.  He seems like such a sensible boy.  Why would he do something so dumb?  Anyway, he went to school and had a very hard time staying awake in his classes, and hopefully that taught him his lesson.

But seriously, why do they act that way?  There have been studies done recently on the teenage brain that offer some answers.  They have found that teenagers' cerebral cortex, the front part of the brain that helps with judgement doesn't start its huge development until age 16.  (One reason why it's good to make teens wait to date until 16).  Also they don't have the experience to make good judgements yet, so sometimes they do really dumb stuff.

So if this happens to you, and it will...it's a good idea to remember the above and teach instead of criticizing.  Help them learn from their experiences by talking about it with them often.  It will preserve the relationship much better if we are patient with our teens as they learn.

There is a book that explains why teens have these problems called, "Why do they Act that Way?" by Dr. David Walsh, PhD, which can really help you understand teens better and have more patience with them.  It has helped me to be more understanding when my teens have made some really dumb decisions.

Here it is:

Why do they Act that Way?

Controlling Versus Guiding Children

Loved this article!  Just thought I'd share it......(click the link below the picture)

(Thebettermom.com)

So True!

I loved this one too!

(smartsassymom.com)

Never Micromanage

(source: skinnymom.com)

Children need some control, more when they are young, but parents should never micromanage.  By micromanage I am talking about controlling and managing every step of every little thing the child does.  For instance, if the child is getting dressed, a micromanaging parent will choose the clothes even if it means a big fight with the child, make sure they are putting things on in the right order, take over when the child isn't moving fast enough and put the child's clothes on and tie their shoes for them.

Now, depending on the child's age and ability many of these choices can be done by the child himself.  It will take him more time, and you may have to teach about weather, and matching, but the choice and the actions could be left up to the child himself.

The reason this is important is that children need to practice making good choices and following through independently.  You don't want to be dressing your child when he/she is eight years old.  You want your child to learn to take care of himself.  So I always start as young as I can with letting children do things for themselves including things like walking themselves to school with an older child, making their own sandwiches, getting their own breakfast and snacks, choosing their own activities.  I also sometimes let them make wrong choices so they can learn from their experience.

As they get older, I do things like give them jobs, and say, you can choose when to do this, but you can't play outside with friends until it is done.  Sometimes they choose to do it late in the day, but then they learn by their own experience that if you procrastinate, you don't get as much time with friends.  This teaches them way better than anything I can tell them (although I do sit them down and explain after the fact, about their choice and its consequence).

You would be amazed at how much happier a child is when he has some independence.  Independence gives children confidence and self-esteem.  It is important to note that when you give them independence you also need to offer support.  So if they have questions, be there.  If they need teaching, be there.  And if they need comfort after making a wrong choice, it is important to let them experience the consequence, but you can comfort them and ask them what they can do better next time.