What to Do if you Make a Parenting Mistake

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You are not alone.  We all make parenting mistakes.  Often.  Don't beat yourself up.  Just learn from it.  Try to do better next time.  Forgive yourself.  You will find your children are very forgiving.  I can't count how many mistakes I have made, but when I apologize, all is forgiven, and we even laugh about it together.  Often the conversations that happen after the apology are very precious and build your relationship even stronger.  If you keep making the same mistake over and over, just keep trying.  Do not give up.  You will get stronger over time and as you get more sleep.  I remember I would sometimes get grumpy at my kids when they kept getting out of bed at night.  A short fuse from little sleep.  But all that has gone away.  I got better over time....and you will too.  Forgive yourself.  You will get stronger and your parenting skills will grow with time and experience.  I know this from my own experience.  Today I found myself not getting angry when my child made unreasonable demands in a rude voice.  I calmly told her the right way to ask me, and she immediately fixed the problem with no drama.  I thought...boy I've come a long way, to be able to do that.  And you will to.

Should you Spank your Child?

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This is a hot topic that inspires debate, but my inclination is to say...probably not.  In raising five children, I have tried spanking, but it never worked well.  Punishment usually drives the behavior underground, and also gives the child a reason to think, well I paid for my misbehavior.  He won't feel the good type of guilt that will help him not repeat the behavior.  Also, if spanking is done in anger it teaches a child that it's all right to strike someone when you get angry.  Children learn more from what we do than what we say.

A better way is teaching, listening, and when necessary taking away priveleges, such as freedom, a toy, or driving the car.  If your young child is having trouble sharing, listen to him, teach him a better way, ask him how to solve the problem.  Then if the problem continues, you can take the toy away until he and his sibling figure out a way to solve their problem.

If your teen is having trouble turning in assignments, or getting to school on time, talk to them.  Ask them to find ways to solve the problem, and be willing to try them.  If the child seems unwilling to change, you may have to take away the car or his iphone until the behavior gets better.  Always teach that this is because priveleges come with fulfilling one's responsiblities.  This is how the real world works, and if they learn it at home, it will help them to be successful in the world.

Teaching, not punishing, will preserve the strong parent-child relationship that helps you to have influence over your children.

Helping Children Behave in Public Places

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We've all had one.  There is always one child who melts down every time you go shopping or to a restaurant.  Even if they are old enough not to.  I've actually had more than one.  So I've developed a method based on advice from my sister-in-law that really works, and it centers on preparation.

Step one:  Before you leave, make sure the child is fed and dressed appropriately.  Make sure you've given him enough attention this day.  If you need to, read him a story to help him feel loved.  Bring water, food, and other needed supplies if you are going to be out a long time.

Step two:  Warn the child that you are going and tell him what your objective is so he doesn't expect you to buy him a lot of stuff.

Step three:  When you are driving to your destination, tell him your expectations.  Tell him the rules of the place you are going.  Have him repeat them back.  You can offer a reward for good behavior, but only if you think it is needed.  Mostly, you should just expect the good behavior.

Step four:  Tell the child that he can only come with you if he follows the rules.  If he has a tantrum you will bring him home and go back later.  Be prepared to follow through and leave your shopping cart if you need to.  Do not tell them this if you can't follow through.  They will stop believing you and test you more the next time.  You must leave every time there is misbehavior, even if it is a fun place like a museum or swimming pool.  You don't have to yell or get angry....leaving is enough to deter the behavior.  Just be loving and firm.  Tell him you are sorry he chose not to stay.  You can even give him a hug and tell him you know he can do better the next time.

Step five:  Compliment good behavior in the store.  Give him a hug or a pat on the back when you are done.  Praise him in front of others when you get home.

This method works every time. We have virtually eliminated tantrums and whining in the store, or misbehavior in restaurants.   The key is consistancy, love, and following through.  I hope it works for your children too!

Which Parenting Method should you Use?

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These days, parenting methods are as numerous as the sands of the sea, and it can be confusing to parents who want to do what's best for their children.  Which method will work best?  Which methods are doomed to fail?  After reading many parenting books and through much experimentation, I have realized one truth.  Many parenting methods work for many different people.  There is not one "true" method.  You have to be willing to experiment with what works for your personality, and for your children's personalities.  Personally, I have patched together a parenting method using several different sources and techniques gleaned from books and people, as kind of a "middle road" approach that works well for my particular children.

There is one truth however, that will help ANY parenting method succeed....and that is consistency.  Your parenting methods will fail if you keep switching them around every other day and don't follow through on your rules every time.  If you aren't consistent with whatever method you choose, you will only confuse your children, and they will have a hard time being successful.

This means you and your husband have to be on the same page.  You have to agree on a parenting style and stick to it.  This is not to say you can never change.  But once you have determined what works, be consistent in how you follow through on rules and consequences...and do it together.  Do not undermine each other.  Talk together, plan and agree about your goals, and then put your plan into action.

When changes need to be made, discuss them together, and then WARN the children that you are about to make a change.  Tell them why.  Get them on board with what you are trying to do. Have them make suggestions.  Their "buy-in" will help your whole family in the long run.

Then, when everyone is on the same page, start your new or revised method, making sure to be consistent.  Children can sense weakness in your resolve, and being children, they will try to use that to their advantage, so be strong.  Believe enough in what you are doing that you want to follow through.  Sometimes I have to pray for strength to do this....and it's interesting that it always works.  Every time.

Consistency and love.  Those are the keys to success.  The parenting method is up to you.

Punishment versus Parenting

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I love what Elaine Mazlish says about punishment.  She says, "There is no room for punishment in a caring relationship."  I agree.  Punishment does not actually make children want to change behavior, it just makes them mad, and it robs them of the guilt needed to actually make an internal change because they have "paid the price" already for their "crimes."  Also punishment usually just drives the undesirable behavior underground, rather than changing it.  Or it inspires passive-aggressive behavior which you want to avoid at all costs.

A better way, I think, is the way Elaine describes.  She says first you listen to the child's feelings that motivated the behavior and acknowledge them.  Then you state your beliefs/position (teach them a better way, or ask them what a better way would be)  and give them a way to make amends or "fix" what they did.  This hopefully, because it is like a partnership with the child, helping them to become successful, will inspire the healthy guilt that will make them want to change internally.  It actually strengthens the relationship rather than destroys it.  And the relationship is a huge motivator for the child's actions, along with their internal moral compass.

If the child still doesn't change his behavior after you do the above, then you just link a privilege to what you want to change, saying something like, "Well, as soon as you get all your assignments in you can go back to soccer practice, because school work is the most important thing before you add more activities to your life.  But I know you'll figure it out."  This is a much more positive way of doing things rather than saying, "You're grounded for a month!"  It gives hope, and leaves the control in the child's hands.  They can get soccer back whenever they want it badly enough to change their behavior.

So, teach rather than punish.  Offer a way for them to make amends.  You'll find this to be a much more effective way to make the internal changes you are looking for and to shape their moral compass for life.

Here is another article on the effects of punishment from a child psychologist.