There are no Bad Kids

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When a Child Feels Shame....

(www.janetansbury.com)

When you have caught your child doing something wrong and you notice that they are already very ashamed, there is no need for consequences.  The shame is usually more corrective than consequences are.  Usually in this situation I talk to the child and we work out a better way for next time.  Frankly, I forgive them. This builds trust and I also believe it teaches about forgiveness and mercy as well.

Of course, many times children are just sorry they got caught.  This would be a time to give them a natural type consequence.  But if it is the first offense, and you notice that the child is extremely sorry, I think that the memory of how they felt will change behavior much better than punishment.  (This will also depend on the child's personality, so use your best judgement).

By the way, never purposefully "shame" your child in front of others, or even alone.  This will destroy trust.  Treat them with love and respect, and talk them through their problems, teaching a better path.

Helping Kids Resist Peer Pressure

(www.cdc.gov)

Over the years, I've noticed there are certain things that help kids resist peer pressure.  Here are some ways we have fortified our kids against pressure to do things that are not consistent with their values.

1. The BIGGEST thing I think that helps is to have a stable home environment.  A stable marriage and a stable parent/child relationship is key, as kids tend to act out their insecurities.  Read more articles on this blog on how to achieve these things.

2.   Family Traditions and Regular Family nights/outings-  Your child needs to feel like they belong to a group.  If your family is not actively doing the above things, they will seek it in their peers.  (Some time with friends is good, but you want them to be more bonded to the family than to their friends).

3. Listen before judging.  Kids need to feel accepted, respected, and loved, if they don't, they will also look for acceptance in their peers.

4. Teach them your values, religious or otherwise.  Children tend to flounder unless they have a system of values they've been taught.  If you are religious, teach them to have a personal relationship with God.  This will give them strength and help them to not feel alone.

5. The Touch Love language-  Make sure you are hugging your kids (girls and boys) and giving them pats on the back or wrestling if that is what they like.  Even if your child is a teen, they need touch.  If they don't get it from you, they will seek it elsewhere.

6. Develop their talents- This will help self-esteem, a necessary component in fighting peer pressure.

7. Keep them busy-  As they get to be teens, they will need to fill their time with good things, so boredom doesn't drive them to bad things.  I've found that a part-time job when they turn sixteen really helps them to stay focused on good things.

8.  Show and tell them you love them always.

Helping Children Behave in Public Places

(mommyish.com)

We've all had one.  There is always one child who melts down every time you go shopping or to a restaurant.  Even if they are old enough not to.  I've actually had more than one.  So I've developed a method based on advice from my sister-in-law that really works, and it centers on preparation.

Step one:  Before you leave, make sure the child is fed and dressed appropriately.  Make sure you've given him enough attention this day.  If you need to, read him a story to help him feel loved.  Bring water, food, and other needed supplies if you are going to be out a long time.

Step two:  Warn the child that you are going and tell him what your objective is so he doesn't expect you to buy him a lot of stuff.

Step three:  When you are driving to your destination, tell him your expectations.  Tell him the rules of the place you are going.  Have him repeat them back.  You can offer a reward for good behavior, but only if you think it is needed.  Mostly, you should just expect the good behavior.

Step four:  Tell the child that he can only come with you if he follows the rules.  If he has a tantrum you will bring him home and go back later.  Be prepared to follow through and leave your shopping cart if you need to.  Do not tell them this if you can't follow through.  They will stop believing you and test you more the next time.  You must leave every time there is misbehavior, even if it is a fun place like a museum or swimming pool.  You don't have to yell or get angry....leaving is enough to deter the behavior.  Just be loving and firm.  Tell him you are sorry he chose not to stay.  You can even give him a hug and tell him you know he can do better the next time.

Step five:  Compliment good behavior in the store.  Give him a hug or a pat on the back when you are done.  Praise him in front of others when you get home.

This method works every time. We have virtually eliminated tantrums and whining in the store, or misbehavior in restaurants.   The key is consistancy, love, and following through.  I hope it works for your children too!

Children Need to Feel Respect

(www.telegraph.co.uk)

After reading this article about how marriage partners make "bids" for love and respect, I noticed that my children do it too.  You can strengthen or weaken the relationship with your child by how you respond to their "bids."  Often they "fish" for respect or love by issuing a challenge.  I saw it in the home of one of my friends the other day.  The daughter was saying something that she learned in school and the mother was arguing that it was incorrect.  But interestingly, I don't think the daughter was wanting to be "right,"  I think that she was just fishing for her mother's approval and respect.  So I want to keep this more in mind as I deal with my children's "challenges."  It's probably good to ponder what the real reason is behind their challenge.  Are they just fishing for love, attention, or respect?  If so, then it's important to react in a way that validates this need.  Of course, if you need to teach them correct principles in response to this challenge, you can always do it in a soft way that preserves the feeling that you love them.  And lastly, something to remember is that experience is a better teacher than you sometimes.  So if they challenge you that they want to do something that you know isn't going to work, and it's going to be pretty harmless if they fail, tell them that you trust their judgement and will let them try what they want to try.  Though you may want to ask them non-judgemental questions in order to help lead them through their thought processes.  And always remember to do it with love.

Warnings help prevent Tantrums

(source: intellegentnest.com)

Yesterday as we were driving home from vacation, I realized a huge practice I use in order to prevent tantrums.  I give the kids 5 minute warnings for almost everything.  If they are sharing the Ipad, and one starts to say, "It's my turn," I usually respond, "Okay, in five minutes it will be your turn."  Not only does this help the child to learn to wait their turn instead of getting things right when they demand, but it also helps the one who has to give up the toy have some warning, so it doesn't take them by surprise.

Taking kids by surprise with change is, I would say, the main cause of tantrums, along with hunger and tiredness.  So, in order to have to deal with less sadness, I usually give five minute warnings for things like: going to bed, leaving someone's house, going on an outing, stopping their computer time or t.v. time, sharing toys, eating dinner, and any change in activity.  I say something like, "Ray, you have five minutes before your friend has to go home."  And magically, this makes it all okay.  Sometimes I give a two minute and one minute warning if I think it's going to make them really sad, and if they are really young.  So try 5 minute warnings if you haven't already.  You'll find it reduces many of the tantrums at your house!

When to forgive your Child

(source: realsimple.com)

What happens when your child makes a mistake?  Do you get upset when they break your best lamp while playing indoor baseball (happened to me)....or when they back up with a broom, making a large hole in your front door (happened to me).  What is the best thing to do?

I can tell you when my kids did those things, I was not too happy.  But one of the incidents I completely forgave, and the other I gave a consequence.  The reason is that one was an unforeseen accident (the broom), and one was a blatant disregard for the rules they knew they should obey (not playing baseball in the house).

When your child has made a mistake and you can see that he/she already feels really bad about it, that may be punishment enough, depending on your child's temperament.   The reason is this:  a consequence gives the feeling that one has paid for the crime, and sometimes takes away guilt.  But some guilt is good, if it motivates them to not want to do it again.

So use your judgement....if the child already feels guilty about what they did and you can see that they probably don't need a consequence, you can just discuss it with them, and help them to make a plan to not have it happen again in the future.  Don't yell at them and try to make them feel guilty.  This is harmful.  Just notice if they are feeling bad, and ask them how to prevent future mishaps to help them not have to feel bad again.  (i.e. "Johnny, I can see that you feel really bad about doing this.  I understand that you made a mistake and I forgive you.  How can we prevent this from happening again?).

You want your child to know how to forgive others, and you can teach them best through example.  You also want them to know that forgiveness is available to them spiritually when they make mistakes.  So every once in awhile, consider forgiveness instead of a consequence if the conditions are right, and let their own guilt motivate them to do better.  It's good for them.

Children and Teens need strong Boundaries

(yanphoto.com)

Children, especially teens, think they'll be happier with less rules.  This is actually untrue.  I accidentally proved it with my teenage boy recently.  For some reason I thought, he's old enough for me to relax a little bit and give him more freedom (he's sixteen).  But apparently he wasn't.  He started being late for his curfew, ignoring dinner, and being really grumpy with his parents.  He wasn't quite mature enough to handle his freedom, and so we went back to the way things were.  And as soon as we did?  He was his old cheerful, helpful, responsible self again.

Strong boundaries make children feel secure and happy.  Think of it like building a safety fence around them.  Their job is to go around and bump against the fence, testing it time and time again, but if it stays firm, they feel safe and loved.  Now as teens get older they can maintain a bit of their own safety fence, but each teen is different.  My daughter could do it at sixteen.  Apparently my son could not.  I think I'll wait until he's eighteen to try again to give him a little more freedom.  Each child matures at a different rate.

Some parents try to be their child's best friend and treat their children as equals, being very permissive.  This is a mistake.  Your child has plenty of friends, but they need a parent.  They will not be happy without clear rules and structure in their life.  When we took in our foster child we made a strict schedule and also posted the rules so he would feel more secure and know what to expect.   What was amazing to me was that my own kids were so much happier too knowing exactly what to expect each day!

I don't think rules need to be enforced with anger.  You can enforce rules using a firm, but kind tone.  Children need to know you love them.  And it is important to give them an increase of love after any altercation.

I also don't think you need so many rules that it would take a computer brain to remember them all.  Just pick the ones you care about, and be consistent about enforcing them with love, which I have talked about in some of my older posts.

Don't get mad when children test the rules.  That is their job.  It is how they feel secure, testing them to be sure they are still there.  If you are inconsistent in enforcing the rules they count on, children will begin acting out more and more because of insecurity.  It's like they are floundering around trying to find where that fence is.

Good luck, and remember, helping children learn to obey will bless them in so many ways in society and the workplace where they will have to obey rules to be happy and successful.

Being firm without alienating children

(source: www.shariecohenphotography.com)

I once attended a seminar that taught that each person has a "love" bucket. And when that bucket is full, he behaves well, and can overlook things, forgive, take criticism, and generally be a well adjusted person...however if that bucket gets emptied, by receiving too much criticism or from neglect or isolation, then the person begins to have issues. This is really true in children.

 The first step in helping children not feel rebellious when you discipline is making sure you are giving them the 5 love languages regularly. Then their bucket is always full, and they are malleable and teachable. When it comes time to discipline, you've got to have loved them enough to have "money in the bank" so to speak, so they don't feel rebellious and think you don't like them.

 The second step is to avoid anger as you discipline. If you are feeling angry, tell them, I need to calm down first, but then we are going to talk about this problem. Or if your child is very young and needs to be pulled out of the situation quickly, you can place them in time out while you both calm down, and then talk about it after. When you are calm and have thought about the real issues, then you will be able to be more effective at teaching your children.

 The third step is to speak with kindness even when you are being firm. It is VERY important to be firm with children and to have strong boundaries especially when they are young. This makes them feel secure. But you can keep those boundaries with a kind voice. I always tell my husband, use actions instead of yelling. If you get up and help them to obey with a kind voice, that will go a lot further toward the goal, than making them feel unloved. This method has worked really well for our children. We definitely have strong boundaries in our home that are strictly enforced, but they are enforced with kindness and love (of course we are not perfect, but this is what we strive for.  Please don't feel bad for past mistakes.  We've made our share too...we just keep on trying, just like you).

 And one last tip, we always say, "I'm sorry that you chose to lose the car for the day. I hate it when you are sad, but I know you'll do better next time." A little empathy goes a long way, but also this statement tells them that it was their choice and consequence, and not yours. A book that teaches more about this method is called, "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. It's a great book that teaches a lot about logical consequences given with love.

Resist Rescue

(source: www.alavoices.org)

Children and teens need to make mistakes, and you need to let them.  Many parents think they are showing love by helping their children avoid the consequences of their actions.  For instance, perhaps your teen doesn't turn in his assignments, and you intervene and talk with the teacher for him.  It would be much better if the teen were allowed to work it out with the teacher himself, or actually get a bad grade in order to help him "wake up."

This worked with my oldest daughter.  I was constantly reminding her to turn in her practice sheets, and running them to school when she forgot.  And she kept forgetting her assignments in other classes as well.  One day, I realized what I was doing.  My child was not learning because she never had to experience her own consequences.  So I quit reminding and told her my plan to not rescue her anymore.  That semester she got an "F" in Orchestra (this was Junior high).  That grade shocked her so much that for the rest of her school career she worked extremely hard to make sure it never happened again.

Another example of not rescuing is letting your children get detention when they are late for school and to quit sending in excuses for their tardies.  Of course they won't be happy about it, but they will learn.  And you can show an increase of love to them each time they make a mistake.  Talk to them about what they are learning and why you aren't rescuing them:  because you LOVE them.  Tell them you are helping them learn to be successful in the real world.

(source:www.nowuiowa.edu)

Now there are some children who don't care about natural consequences such as grades (sometimes this is because of problems in the home and that they are acting out their anger/insecurities, or sometimes they just aren't motivated by those things).  When this happens, I think it is important to give them the extra incentive to do better by linking their privileges to their responsibilities, as I talked about in the previous post.

However, remember through all these things that LOVE is the main motivator for good actions.  And that if children aren't getting enough love and stability at home, then they will act out no matter what consequences they experience.  So make sure you are doing those love languages.

It's important to let your children make mistakes and to let them fix them themselves, even when they are young.  They will really learn to be independent and happy this way, and you will be happier too.

Helping teens Obey

(source: davisk-12.ut.us)

As important as it is for your children to know how to follow rules, it's even more important for your teens because they have the potential to get into more dangerous trouble if they don't.  If you've taught your child when they were young, this should be easier than you think.  However, if you treat your teens like you treat your little ones, you may have a full blown rebellion on your hands.  Teens want to be treated more like adults.  They want more freedoms and you can help them learn responsibility through this desire.

 Keep in mind that the best way to change behavior is using the "Love languages" I've mentioned before.  But sometimes teens may need a little extra incentive to work with the family instead of in their own interests.  The best way to help teens continue to obey rules that will help them to be happy is to link their freedoms to those rules.  In real life, privilege comes with responsibility.  So you can teach your teen in your home that they only get to "drive the car", or hang out with friends, have a cell phone, or be on the computer if they are following the rules.  You can teach them that freedom comes with responsibility this way.

You will be amazed how well this works.  You don't have to get mad.  You don't have to lecture.  You just set up the rules and the freedoms that come with following them.  And when they don't do it, you take away the freedom linked to the rule for that day or until they follow it again.  For instance, if they are late to school, you take away their cell phone for the day (tell them, "I'm sorry you chose to lose the cell phone by being late.  I hope you'll do better tomorrow) (Make sure to show an increase of love throughout the day to help them know you love them).  Then if they are on time the next day (and they will be) you give it back.

You can talk to your teens about how they are getting more freedom as they grow more responsible.  Make sure you give them more trust and freedom as they show their responsibility and point it out so they have some positive reinforcement of their good choices.  For instance, as they prove that they are responsible about getting homework done and being on time for curfew, you can give them more time with their friends.  You should be eventually helping them to become completely independent as they show their competence.  You want them to be able to leave home and be independent eventually, so you'll want to give them more and more freedom and independence as they grow.

You'll find that your teens are much happier when they can control themselves and are following the rules.  They have higher self esteem and they'll do better at home and in school.  This method has worked wonders for our kids and if you are consistent even when they are not happy about the consequences, you will find it works great for you too.

Teaching Children to Obey

(source: www.life.familyeducation.com)

This is a tricky subject because every child is different, but I am going to recommend the system that has worked well for me with my own children and the children I have taught in classrooms.  I even use it with my teens when they have trouble doing what I ask.  Here is the step by step method that has worked wonders for me without me having to get angry.

1.  Ask the child nicely to do something that you need them to do.  Do not command.  Commands will make them feel like rebelling.  You will be suprised how much asking them will work.

2.  If the child doesn't listen, see if there are obstacles such as hunger, being overwhelmed, distracted, or tiredness that are inhibiting their obedience.  If so, take care of that first, if not...

3. Tell them you will help them to obey, and physically go over and help them to do what you ask.  Do not get angry, just cheerfully help them.

4.  If they still will not obey, then you can use the 123 magic method which is where you count to three and if they are still not obeying on three you give them a logical consequence (without anger) that the child will care about.  (You must ALWAYS give the consequence if you get to count three, otherwise it won't work and the child will test you to see if you are serious all the time).


This method really works, and if you are very consistent, and using the love languages too, you will have to get to step four less and less over time.

It is very important though that children learn to obey....the younger you teach them, the easier it will be for you and them.  Also when children can control their bodies and make themselves obey, they will have more self-esteem, and learn how to function well in society and in school.  So this is one of the MOST important skills you will teach your child.