Helping Children Behave in Public Places

(mommyish.com)

We've all had one.  There is always one child who melts down every time you go shopping or to a restaurant.  Even if they are old enough not to.  I've actually had more than one.  So I've developed a method based on advice from my sister-in-law that really works, and it centers on preparation.

Step one:  Before you leave, make sure the child is fed and dressed appropriately.  Make sure you've given him enough attention this day.  If you need to, read him a story to help him feel loved.  Bring water, food, and other needed supplies if you are going to be out a long time.

Step two:  Warn the child that you are going and tell him what your objective is so he doesn't expect you to buy him a lot of stuff.

Step three:  When you are driving to your destination, tell him your expectations.  Tell him the rules of the place you are going.  Have him repeat them back.  You can offer a reward for good behavior, but only if you think it is needed.  Mostly, you should just expect the good behavior.

Step four:  Tell the child that he can only come with you if he follows the rules.  If he has a tantrum you will bring him home and go back later.  Be prepared to follow through and leave your shopping cart if you need to.  Do not tell them this if you can't follow through.  They will stop believing you and test you more the next time.  You must leave every time there is misbehavior, even if it is a fun place like a museum or swimming pool.  You don't have to yell or get angry....leaving is enough to deter the behavior.  Just be loving and firm.  Tell him you are sorry he chose not to stay.  You can even give him a hug and tell him you know he can do better the next time.

Step five:  Compliment good behavior in the store.  Give him a hug or a pat on the back when you are done.  Praise him in front of others when you get home.

This method works every time. We have virtually eliminated tantrums and whining in the store, or misbehavior in restaurants.   The key is consistancy, love, and following through.  I hope it works for your children too!

Teaching Honesty

(www.parentingbydrrene.com)

This is a popular subject because all children try out being dishonest at one time or another.  You may be scandalized, but I have an unconventional view of how to deal with dishonesty.  I actually don't come down hard with discipline on this issue except to teach the correct principle often, and here is why.  I lied a lot when I was a kid.  So did my oldest daughter.  I noticed that when people came down hard on me, I just lied more because I wanted to stay out of trouble.  Same with my daughter.  Eventually, I matured out of it in my teens and so did she.

So what I've done is teach about honesty often in my home.  I teach with stories and examples.  We talk about the natural consequences of dishonesty.  Then when my kids tell a lie, I talk with them about it more....I ask them why they did it...and help them find a better way.  This has been so much more successful than punishment when it comes to dishonesty.  My kids really respond well to this and try really hard be honest.

Punishment just drives the behavior underground, it doesn't change it.  Love and teaching will help them change self-destructive behavior.  You will have to repeat yourself often...but I promise...it worked with my oldest daughter.  She is now the most honest person I know.  And so far, it's working with my other kids.  Here is a link to some inspiring stories about honesty to share with children and teens.  And here is a link to a great article about teaching honesty in your home.

Lack of Experience and Brain Development

(www.i-ortho.com)

I wanted to write a post about why we should all be more patient with our teens.  Sometimes teenagers act like little adults.  It certainly seems that they should have the same judgement we do when they are making decisions.  But then we are surprised when they do something so silly, we can't understand where it came from.  For instance, once my son put off starting his homework until MIDNIGHT.  Yes, midnight, in spite of reminders to get going on his homework by his parents...and then he started a couple of HUGE assignments that were due the next day...and finally went to sleep at 5am.  He had to get up at 6am.

Needless to say, I was perplexed.  He seems like such a sensible boy.  Why would he do something so dumb?  Anyway, he went to school and had a very hard time staying awake in his classes, and hopefully that taught him his lesson.

But seriously, why do they act that way?  There have been studies done recently on the teenage brain that offer some answers.  They have found that teenagers' cerebral cortex, the front part of the brain that helps with judgement doesn't start its huge development until age 16.  (One reason why it's good to make teens wait to date until 16).  Also they don't have the experience to make good judgements yet, so sometimes they do really dumb stuff.

So if this happens to you, and it will...it's a good idea to remember the above and teach instead of criticizing.  Help them learn from their experiences by talking about it with them often.  It will preserve the relationship much better if we are patient with our teens as they learn.

There is a book that explains why teens have these problems called, "Why do they Act that Way?" by Dr. David Walsh, PhD, which can really help you understand teens better and have more patience with them.  It has helped me to be more understanding when my teens have made some really dumb decisions.

Here it is:

Why do they Act that Way?

Punishment versus Parenting

(source: huffingtonpost.com)

I love what Elaine Mazlish says about punishment.  She says, "There is no room for punishment in a caring relationship."  I agree.  Punishment does not actually make children want to change behavior, it just makes them mad, and it robs them of the guilt needed to actually make an internal change because they have "paid the price" already for their "crimes."  Also punishment usually just drives the undesirable behavior underground, rather than changing it.  Or it inspires passive-aggressive behavior which you want to avoid at all costs.

A better way, I think, is the way Elaine describes.  She says first you listen to the child's feelings that motivated the behavior and acknowledge them.  Then you state your beliefs/position (teach them a better way, or ask them what a better way would be)  and give them a way to make amends or "fix" what they did.  This hopefully, because it is like a partnership with the child, helping them to become successful, will inspire the healthy guilt that will make them want to change internally.  It actually strengthens the relationship rather than destroys it.  And the relationship is a huge motivator for the child's actions, along with their internal moral compass.

If the child still doesn't change his behavior after you do the above, then you just link a privilege to what you want to change, saying something like, "Well, as soon as you get all your assignments in you can go back to soccer practice, because school work is the most important thing before you add more activities to your life.  But I know you'll figure it out."  This is a much more positive way of doing things rather than saying, "You're grounded for a month!"  It gives hope, and leaves the control in the child's hands.  They can get soccer back whenever they want it badly enough to change their behavior.

So, teach rather than punish.  Offer a way for them to make amends.  You'll find this to be a much more effective way to make the internal changes you are looking for and to shape their moral compass for life.

Here is another article on the effects of punishment from a child psychologist.