Talking about Tough Topics with Your Children

(www.lds.org)

This is the best article I've ever read about how to parent well.  I LOVED it.  I wish everyone in the world could read it.  Click the caption to go there.

How to See the Good in Your Children

(hopeandhealingcenter.org)

I thought I'd expand on yesterday's post and list ways I've found to see the good in my children.  This is important because it affects the way you treat them.  And children can sense when all you notice is their faults.  They will act out more when this happens and the relationship will be strained.  Remember if they don't feel acceptance from you they will seek it in their peers, and that can be dangerous.  So here are ways you can see the good in them.

1.  Remember that their judgment isn't fully developed.  Expect mistakes, and keep teaching.  Don't criticize.

2.  Try to see what they can become instead of what they are right now, especially if you are having trouble liking them at the moment.

3. Try not to look at them through the lens of fear, but through the lens of love and patience.  You can pray for help with this.  It works.  You can also pray to see them through God's eyes.  This helps you see their potential rather than their failings.

4. Spending time doing things together builds a bond and helps you see the good in your children.

5. Compliment them for the good things they do.  Write down the things you love about them each night in a journal.  This works as well as keeping a gratitude journal for keeping a positive perspective.  Give them a kiss and hug each night and tell them you love them.

Words of Wisdom

I couldn't enlarge this any more, but I had to post it anyway because I loved it so much!

Children Need to Feel Respect

(www.telegraph.co.uk)

After reading this article about how marriage partners make "bids" for love and respect, I noticed that my children do it too.  You can strengthen or weaken the relationship with your child by how you respond to their "bids."  Often they "fish" for respect or love by issuing a challenge.  I saw it in the home of one of my friends the other day.  The daughter was saying something that she learned in school and the mother was arguing that it was incorrect.  But interestingly, I don't think the daughter was wanting to be "right,"  I think that she was just fishing for her mother's approval and respect.  So I want to keep this more in mind as I deal with my children's "challenges."  It's probably good to ponder what the real reason is behind their challenge.  Are they just fishing for love, attention, or respect?  If so, then it's important to react in a way that validates this need.  Of course, if you need to teach them correct principles in response to this challenge, you can always do it in a soft way that preserves the feeling that you love them.  And lastly, something to remember is that experience is a better teacher than you sometimes.  So if they challenge you that they want to do something that you know isn't going to work, and it's going to be pretty harmless if they fail, tell them that you trust their judgement and will let them try what they want to try.  Though you may want to ask them non-judgemental questions in order to help lead them through their thought processes.  And always remember to do it with love.

Your Love Must be Unconditional

(mycoachwendy.com.au)

I talked with a friend the other day and she was telling me that her children were complaining that she  had favorites.  I had never noticed her to play favorites so I was curious and asked to know more about it.  She said one child was saying that she treated their oldest son differently than the others.  And then she said, "But how could I not give him anything he wants?  He does everything for me that I ask and more."

Now I can't analyze this problem more than just from what she tells me, but it sounds like from that statement and from others she made that her show of love is more effusive when children are obedient than when they aren't.

This is a dangerous practice and here is why.  If you show more love for your child when they are obedient than when they are disobedient,  you are signalling that your love is "conditional" upon their behavior.  This will make them feel unloved and they will rebel, or have hard times or low self esteem.

Your show of love has to be equal to every child whether they are behaving poorly or well.  You can take away PRIVELEGES when they misbehave....but not your show of love.

Children need to know you love them unconditionally, whether they are good or badly behaved.  This love empowers them to behave better.  As they become confident in your love, they will want to please you more...if they think your love is conditional, they won't want to please you at all.  They will be bitter and resentful.

So it's good to analyze once in awhile, whether your show of love is unconditional.  It makes a big difference.

Lack of Experience and Brain Development

(www.i-ortho.com)

I wanted to write a post about why we should all be more patient with our teens.  Sometimes teenagers act like little adults.  It certainly seems that they should have the same judgement we do when they are making decisions.  But then we are surprised when they do something so silly, we can't understand where it came from.  For instance, once my son put off starting his homework until MIDNIGHT.  Yes, midnight, in spite of reminders to get going on his homework by his parents...and then he started a couple of HUGE assignments that were due the next day...and finally went to sleep at 5am.  He had to get up at 6am.

Needless to say, I was perplexed.  He seems like such a sensible boy.  Why would he do something so dumb?  Anyway, he went to school and had a very hard time staying awake in his classes, and hopefully that taught him his lesson.

But seriously, why do they act that way?  There have been studies done recently on the teenage brain that offer some answers.  They have found that teenagers' cerebral cortex, the front part of the brain that helps with judgement doesn't start its huge development until age 16.  (One reason why it's good to make teens wait to date until 16).  Also they don't have the experience to make good judgements yet, so sometimes they do really dumb stuff.

So if this happens to you, and it will...it's a good idea to remember the above and teach instead of criticizing.  Help them learn from their experiences by talking about it with them often.  It will preserve the relationship much better if we are patient with our teens as they learn.

There is a book that explains why teens have these problems called, "Why do they Act that Way?" by Dr. David Walsh, PhD, which can really help you understand teens better and have more patience with them.  It has helped me to be more understanding when my teens have made some really dumb decisions.

Here it is:

Why do they Act that Way?

Best Teen Parenting Book Ever!

(source: breakthecycle.org)

I just finished reading, "How to talk so TEENS will listen and listen so TEENS will talk", and it is the best book ever!  If I could buy this for every parent of teenagers I would.  If you read this book your life will be MUCH easier.   I will be exploring some of the topics from this book in the next couple of posts because I think they are so important.  But read the book!  It will help you so much!  These are the methods I use on my teens and they are the ONLY things that work, along with the 5 languages of love.  I know because I've tried it all.  Hope it helps with your teens too!

Teaching Teens Self-Control in a digital Age

(source: teenblab.com)

How much control should parents exercise over their teens?  Should you let your son get that mohawk?  Should you control what music they listen to?  How about what they watch?  In our family we've come up with a solution that seems to work, helping teens stay safe, without taking away their experience in making choices.  The solution is that we teach our teens and even our younger children self-control.  This is a method that uses teaching, rather than control, and it requires a bit more effort as you must continue to teach over time and keep tabs on what your child is doing.  But it is worth it, because the benefit is that when the child leaves home, he will be ready to control himself and stay safe from things that may harm him.

When my husband was a bishop in our church, he counseled a lot of college youth.  One thing he found was that college age kids who came from homes where they didn't have experience choosing good things because parents controlled everything they watched and listened to, had a lot of trouble with self-control when they left home.  They just didn't have the experience needed to stay safe in a digital world.

So we decided after that to teach our teens self-control.  We can't be everywhere with our teens.  They are going to have opportunities to do things we don't agree with and that might be harmful to them.  So we spend a lot of time educating them about choices and consequences during our family night and during family dinner, and also as we drive them places.  We don't always lecture, we try to make it a discussion so the teens can apply what they are learning in their every day lives.

(source: www.autoguide.com)

Here is an example of one way that we teach.  When we are in the car, I let my teens have control over the radio music we listen to.  I have spent a lot of time talking to them about the power music has, and that it is important for them to choose good music that is uplifting. Because I let them have control, I am able to watch how they are doing.  Do they notice that the song has swear words in it?  If so, do they turn it to something else right away?  If not, it is my opportunity to teach some more.  We talk about why listening to music with swear words in it might not be a good idea.  I also let them have control over what they watch, but I keep a close eye on it.  If something is not right, we have more teaching moments.  Usually these turn into bonding experiences, especially as we teach with love.

This method has worked really well.  My teens seem to be gaining practice and experience in controlling themselves with media, and if they make mistakes, we talk to them right away about how they feel about it, and what they can do to not have harmful consequences.  If we have accidentally given them too much freedom, too early, before they are mature enough to handle it, we go back and take control until they are mature enough to handle it.

Another thing is, we try to let teens have control in things that don't matter, such as how they wear their hair.  If they want to get a mohawk, we let them.  If they want to eat 5 donuts and get sick...we let them try that.  It usually only happens once.  This is because teens will try to express their individuality and experiment, and it is better if they experiment on things that won't harm them.  Let them find out that their parents were right, and they shouldn't have procrastinated that school project so much.  This will improve your credibility and they will learn faster.  But always be teaching along the way and offering support...not taking away their consequences, but telling them you love them.  You can ask them how they can do better in the future.  Remember that different children will be more or less mature and you will have to gauge how to treat each one individually according to their maturity.

Because we let teens have control in things that don't matter, it gives us the leeway to control in things that ARE harmful.  We give them strong boundaries against truly harmful things.  For instance, we don't let our kids go to parties with alcohol or drugs.  We teach that being around that kind of thing over time will break down their resistance and they will eventually succumb to peer pressure.  We don't let our kids look at pornography because we teach that it is harmful and addictive.  We also don't let them go to rated R movies, and we teach that they need to make sure the PG13's aren't harmful before they watch them, though we let them choose what PG13's they watch, so they can gain experience.  We let our children choose what they wear, but we teach strongly that they need to be modest to avoid serious consequences in attracting the wrong kind of attention.  If my daughter chooses something questionable, usually I teach some more and she decides to wear something else.  Because I have spent a lot of time loving her, with the 5 love languages, she listens to me.   So you have to take a look at your own personal and family standards and see what to control and not control, and what you think will be harmful, and what doesn't matter.

(source: compassionatesolutions.ca)

One last note...children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care.  So keep giving them those love languages, so that they are ready and willing to listen to you when you teach.

I hope this helps your family.  It is definitely something you have to constantly work on and watch over.  But given experience under your watchful eye, your teens should be ready to control themselves better once they leave home.

Family Vacations

(source: fedupusa.org)

Whether it's a trip to Disneyland or a hike to a local waterfall, family vacations are important to families.  The reason is that it allows your family to get away from the craziness of the world for awhile and bond with each other.  Building that bond is important....brother/sister, father/son, mother/daughter and all the other combinations.  That bond is what helps children to know they are loved, it helps them to have stability in times of stress, it gives them good memories and feelings to draw upon, and it is an opportunity to express all the languages of love to your children and your spouse.  Think about it...you spend quality time together, you give each other words of affirmation as you learn new things, you may give each other small gifts, and you do acts of service as you get ready, come home, and even while you are there.  It is amazing how family vacations can draw even struggling relationships closer together.

Here are some tips for making the most of your family vacations, big or small:

1. Choose and plan where to go together as a family
2. Build up the excitement by reading and searching on the web things about your destination and sharing them with the family.
3. Pack, but don't stress.  Give the kids a checklist to pack themselves and then check their bags over.  This will increase their involvement, excitement and responsibility.  There is usually a store where you can pick up things you forgot.
4. While you travel, read the history to the kids of the places you visit.  This increases enjoyment.
5. When you get there, decide together what things are important to you.  You could let each child pick one thing.  Ownership also increases enjoyment.
6. Take LOTS of pictures!  And even videos!  (After a recent death in the family, I am really committed to doing this!)
7. After you get home, spend time talking about what you loved, and maybe make a scrapbook for the kids to look at again and again.  This will increase appreciation, and also bring back those special feelings every time they look at the memories.

Tips on calming teens' emotional roller coaster

When they're up they're up....when they're down they're down.  It's hard to predict what mood you'll be facing when they come home.  Teens face raging hormones and difficult social, emotional, and intellectual challenges.  This can make them extremely moody, but there are ways to calm the moodiness and get them more on an even keel.

(source: www.groundworkcounseling.com)

1. Sleep:  Teens love to stay up late, but if you establish regular sleep times and try to help them stick with them, it will help them TREMENDOUSLY to be in a better mood.  You can talk to them about it, and tell them that studies show that teens need the same amount of sleep as toddlers do.

2. Exercise:  Regular exercise calms those hormones and gets that serotonin level up.  My daughter was like two different people.  When she exercised she was happy and calm, and when she didn't she was up and down a lot.  So we tried to encourage her to enroll in school swim team and track, in order to help her mood swings.  Many boys also need physical exercise as an outlet for their raging testosterone at this age, which can trigger aggression or picking on family members if not given an outlet.

3. Time with family:  Even though teens think they don't have time for this, they need to be bonding with parents individually and the family collectively to stay stable.  This means you will have to establish times for this.  We have a regular family night, a sit down family dinner where we all talk together, and I take them on weekly one on one dates, and try to talk to them individually each day, mostly at bedtime.  Also family traditions and vacations help the teens stay bonded.

4. Verbal communication is key.  When teens have sadness, anger or are experiencing a strong emotion, they need to talk about it, so it doesn't come out in their actions instead.  Know what is going on in your teen's life and find ways to talk about it.

5. Relationship with a higher Power:  Whatever your religion, it will help your teen to be taught how to pray and read scriptures that will help them in their daily challenges.  We do this with our family and have them do it individually before bedtime.

6. Love Languages:  Make sure you know your teen's love language and are speaking it to them. (although they need all five love languages regularly).

These six things will go a long way in helping your teen be more stable and less moody during their adolescent years.  The emotional behavior will not be gone, but things will be less up and down for you and your teen.

Older kids need touch Too

All children need touch to feel loved:  a pat on the back, a hug, or even a wrestle for those kids who don't like hugs.  But did you know that older children need touch just as much as younger ones do?  Sometimes when children turn eleven and up, we are afraid to give them hugs because they may be prickly.  Or men may not want to give their daughters the wrong idea.  But those older children need touch to feel loved and we have to find ways to do it, whether it be tousling your sons hair, or giving them a side hug when they are laughing and their defenses are down.  Also, kids whose main love language is touch may search for it elsewhere if they are not getting it at home.

(source: www.halsamt.wordpress.com)

I knew a girl whose father stopped giving her hugs and pats on the back after she turned eleven.  Unfortunately this girl's love language was touch, and eventually it led to her sinking into a depression and even attempting suicide when she was seventeen, even though her parents tried to show love in every other way.  It talks about this phenomena in the book, "How to Really Love your Child," by Dr. Ross Campbell and gives some good solutions.

Give your child a hug today.  Even if you are uncomfortable with touch yourself.  You've got to make yourself do it.  I myself, am uncomfortable with touch, however, I make myself do it every day with each of my children.  And so far, they are very happy with that.

Nurturing Self-Esteem

A friend of mine posted on facebook that she didn't have time to hide the Easter Eggs for the kid's egg hunt yesterday and so she decided to have the kids hide each other's eggs.  It was a great success and the kids loved it even better than when mom hid the eggs.

(Picture from http://www.krmsradio.com/)

This reminded me of how we need to give our children self esteem.  Many parents of today think that self esteem comes from giving their child praise for everything they do.  While praise is very important, the real way a child gains self esteem is through trying to do things for themselves and eventually learning to succeed at it.  They learn great lessons when parents will let them do things for themselves, mistakes and all.  When a parent teaches a child a skill, and lets them practice, making mistakes and learning from them, and eventually getting better at it over time, the child's self esteem will grow.  This takes more time than praise, and so is a little harder to do, but so worth it.

I remember when we took care of a foster child for a little while.  We taught him how to make himself french toast because it was his favorite breakfast.  He was so proud of himself.  At first it was a huge mess, but eventually we could see the confidence he was gaining just from this one experience.

When you do praise your child for their efforts, make sure it is true....and specific.  Otherwise it will be pretty meaningless to them.  You can always find things good about what they are doing, even if mostly they are just making a mess.  If they are scribbling all over the page they are coloring, you can tell them that you love the colors they chose, for example.  Also, be sure as you are teaching them new skills that you hold back the criticism.  Criticism is a destroyer of self-esteem and relationships.  Teach, don't criticize.  You can say, "You did such a great job cleaning the sink.  Look how white it is.  Now let me show you how you can make the faucet really shiny."

But basically most of the ways my own kids have gained self-esteem is by learning to do things for themselves, understanding their relationship to a God who loves them, and also by having opportunities to develop their talents.  (I will talk about developing talents in another post).