What to Do if you Make a Parenting Mistake

legacyproject.human.cornell.edu

You are not alone.  We all make parenting mistakes.  Often.  Don't beat yourself up.  Just learn from it.  Try to do better next time.  Forgive yourself.  You will find your children are very forgiving.  I can't count how many mistakes I have made, but when I apologize, all is forgiven, and we even laugh about it together.  Often the conversations that happen after the apology are very precious and build your relationship even stronger.  If you keep making the same mistake over and over, just keep trying.  Do not give up.  You will get stronger over time and as you get more sleep.  I remember I would sometimes get grumpy at my kids when they kept getting out of bed at night.  A short fuse from little sleep.  But all that has gone away.  I got better over time....and you will too.  Forgive yourself.  You will get stronger and your parenting skills will grow with time and experience.  I know this from my own experience.  Today I found myself not getting angry when my child made unreasonable demands in a rude voice.  I calmly told her the right way to ask me, and she immediately fixed the problem with no drama.  I thought...boy I've come a long way, to be able to do that.  And you will to.

Talking about Tough Topics with Your Children

(www.lds.org)

This is the best article I've ever read about how to parent well.  I LOVED it.  I wish everyone in the world could read it.  Click the caption to go there.

Children Need to Know

(Joshshipp.com)

My own addition to this list is that every child needs to hear the word "No" sometimes.  This is because they need to understand that there are limits in the world.  Children who don't understand limits grow up very unhappy.

When a Child Feels Shame....

(www.janetansbury.com)

When you have caught your child doing something wrong and you notice that they are already very ashamed, there is no need for consequences.  The shame is usually more corrective than consequences are.  Usually in this situation I talk to the child and we work out a better way for next time.  Frankly, I forgive them. This builds trust and I also believe it teaches about forgiveness and mercy as well.

Of course, many times children are just sorry they got caught.  This would be a time to give them a natural type consequence.  But if it is the first offense, and you notice that the child is extremely sorry, I think that the memory of how they felt will change behavior much better than punishment.  (This will also depend on the child's personality, so use your best judgement).

By the way, never purposefully "shame" your child in front of others, or even alone.  This will destroy trust.  Treat them with love and respect, and talk them through their problems, teaching a better path.

Lack of Experience and Brain Development

(www.i-ortho.com)

I wanted to write a post about why we should all be more patient with our teens.  Sometimes teenagers act like little adults.  It certainly seems that they should have the same judgement we do when they are making decisions.  But then we are surprised when they do something so silly, we can't understand where it came from.  For instance, once my son put off starting his homework until MIDNIGHT.  Yes, midnight, in spite of reminders to get going on his homework by his parents...and then he started a couple of HUGE assignments that were due the next day...and finally went to sleep at 5am.  He had to get up at 6am.

Needless to say, I was perplexed.  He seems like such a sensible boy.  Why would he do something so dumb?  Anyway, he went to school and had a very hard time staying awake in his classes, and hopefully that taught him his lesson.

But seriously, why do they act that way?  There have been studies done recently on the teenage brain that offer some answers.  They have found that teenagers' cerebral cortex, the front part of the brain that helps with judgement doesn't start its huge development until age 16.  (One reason why it's good to make teens wait to date until 16).  Also they don't have the experience to make good judgements yet, so sometimes they do really dumb stuff.

So if this happens to you, and it will...it's a good idea to remember the above and teach instead of criticizing.  Help them learn from their experiences by talking about it with them often.  It will preserve the relationship much better if we are patient with our teens as they learn.

There is a book that explains why teens have these problems called, "Why do they Act that Way?" by Dr. David Walsh, PhD, which can really help you understand teens better and have more patience with them.  It has helped me to be more understanding when my teens have made some really dumb decisions.

Here it is:

Why do they Act that Way?

Punishment versus Parenting

(source: huffingtonpost.com)

I love what Elaine Mazlish says about punishment.  She says, "There is no room for punishment in a caring relationship."  I agree.  Punishment does not actually make children want to change behavior, it just makes them mad, and it robs them of the guilt needed to actually make an internal change because they have "paid the price" already for their "crimes."  Also punishment usually just drives the undesirable behavior underground, rather than changing it.  Or it inspires passive-aggressive behavior which you want to avoid at all costs.

A better way, I think, is the way Elaine describes.  She says first you listen to the child's feelings that motivated the behavior and acknowledge them.  Then you state your beliefs/position (teach them a better way, or ask them what a better way would be)  and give them a way to make amends or "fix" what they did.  This hopefully, because it is like a partnership with the child, helping them to become successful, will inspire the healthy guilt that will make them want to change internally.  It actually strengthens the relationship rather than destroys it.  And the relationship is a huge motivator for the child's actions, along with their internal moral compass.

If the child still doesn't change his behavior after you do the above, then you just link a privilege to what you want to change, saying something like, "Well, as soon as you get all your assignments in you can go back to soccer practice, because school work is the most important thing before you add more activities to your life.  But I know you'll figure it out."  This is a much more positive way of doing things rather than saying, "You're grounded for a month!"  It gives hope, and leaves the control in the child's hands.  They can get soccer back whenever they want it badly enough to change their behavior.

So, teach rather than punish.  Offer a way for them to make amends.  You'll find this to be a much more effective way to make the internal changes you are looking for and to shape their moral compass for life.

Here is another article on the effects of punishment from a child psychologist.

How to Listen

(source: childs-play-healing.com)

Listening is a huge part of parenting.  I would say parenting is 60 percent listening and 40 percent teaching.  Many parents rush to judge or lecture when their child starts to talk to them, but if you hold yourself back from lecturing (I know it's hard, sometimes I have to bite my lip to stop myself) you'll be surprised how often they can and should solve their own problems.  And it is always more effective if they do, because they listen to themselves more than they listen to us.

You, of course, can ask guiding or leading questions, but try not to give them the answers.  Let them figure it out as they talk to you.

Here are some tips on a type of listening called reflective listening which is really effective with kids and with your spouse.

1. Listen to the whole problem.  Let them finish.
2. Reflect back to them what you heard.  Say, "So what your saying is that you don't have time to clean your room, and do your homework, and hang out with friends?"
3.  Let them correct you if you are wrong.
4. Reflect it again, and see if you got it right.
5.  Ask them how they think the problem could be solved to make both people happy.  Hold back from giving advice.
6.  Just listen.  Be willing to try solutions even if they aren't your first choice.  Be supportive.  Let them try things even if you think it won't work, then re-visit the issue in a couple of days.  Use your reflective listening skills again.  Ask them what they've learned and what new thing they think they should try.

I promise this will work better than any lecture than you can give and it will make them feel loved and supported and empower them to solve their own problems and work toward compromises...which is what we all want for our children!

Here is a book that explains the process in depth, and is really fun to read:

How toTalk so kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Here is a link to an article on "Active Listening" that is also really informative!

When to forgive your Child

(source: realsimple.com)

What happens when your child makes a mistake?  Do you get upset when they break your best lamp while playing indoor baseball (happened to me)....or when they back up with a broom, making a large hole in your front door (happened to me).  What is the best thing to do?

I can tell you when my kids did those things, I was not too happy.  But one of the incidents I completely forgave, and the other I gave a consequence.  The reason is that one was an unforeseen accident (the broom), and one was a blatant disregard for the rules they knew they should obey (not playing baseball in the house).

When your child has made a mistake and you can see that he/she already feels really bad about it, that may be punishment enough, depending on your child's temperament.   The reason is this:  a consequence gives the feeling that one has paid for the crime, and sometimes takes away guilt.  But some guilt is good, if it motivates them to not want to do it again.

So use your judgement....if the child already feels guilty about what they did and you can see that they probably don't need a consequence, you can just discuss it with them, and help them to make a plan to not have it happen again in the future.  Don't yell at them and try to make them feel guilty.  This is harmful.  Just notice if they are feeling bad, and ask them how to prevent future mishaps to help them not have to feel bad again.  (i.e. "Johnny, I can see that you feel really bad about doing this.  I understand that you made a mistake and I forgive you.  How can we prevent this from happening again?).

You want your child to know how to forgive others, and you can teach them best through example.  You also want them to know that forgiveness is available to them spiritually when they make mistakes.  So every once in awhile, consider forgiveness instead of a consequence if the conditions are right, and let their own guilt motivate them to do better.  It's good for them.