How to See the Good in Your Children

(hopeandhealingcenter.org)

I thought I'd expand on yesterday's post and list ways I've found to see the good in my children.  This is important because it affects the way you treat them.  And children can sense when all you notice is their faults.  They will act out more when this happens and the relationship will be strained.  Remember if they don't feel acceptance from you they will seek it in their peers, and that can be dangerous.  So here are ways you can see the good in them.

1.  Remember that their judgment isn't fully developed.  Expect mistakes, and keep teaching.  Don't criticize.

2.  Try to see what they can become instead of what they are right now, especially if you are having trouble liking them at the moment.

3. Try not to look at them through the lens of fear, but through the lens of love and patience.  You can pray for help with this.  It works.  You can also pray to see them through God's eyes.  This helps you see their potential rather than their failings.

4. Spending time doing things together builds a bond and helps you see the good in your children.

5. Compliment them for the good things they do.  Write down the things you love about them each night in a journal.  This works as well as keeping a gratitude journal for keeping a positive perspective.  Give them a kiss and hug each night and tell them you love them.

Children Need to Know

(Joshshipp.com)

My own addition to this list is that every child needs to hear the word "No" sometimes.  This is because they need to understand that there are limits in the world.  Children who don't understand limits grow up very unhappy.

Love your Teenage Son

(triciagoyer.com)

THESE TIPS WORK!  I have used all of these ways to show my son love.  It is hard sometimes, because teen sons like to keep their emotions close, so they don't react openly to your love, but trust me...if you do these things, your son will be pleased.  Click the caption to see all 15 ways to show your son love.

Strengthen your Marriage

(savetosplurge.com)

Dating is key in a marriage.  Do not let this tradition slip away.  It will keep your relationship strong.  It is one of the forms of work it takes to keep a relationship alive!  I loved the above article (click the caption to go there)  These are the types of things my husband and I do regularly.  It really works!

You do So Much Good in the World

Teaching Children to have "Giving Hearts"

(meetup.com)

This topic always occurs to me at this time of year, and mostly I scramble around trying to make up for forgetting to teach this principle more often during the year.  But luckily, even just teaching it at Christmas time seems to be working well.

The main way I teach this "giving' and "serving others" value to my children is through stories and example.  During our family nights in December I try to find lots of stories about "giving."  I tell the stories and ask the children what we learn from them.  Then after the stories we do some sort of project that will help others.

I think the most important part of these nights is to ask them the question, "How did this make you feel inside?"  after the family service project.  Then I explain to them that giving to others makes us happy.  Our best Christmas was one year when each child decided to give up their best gift to someone who we knew was going through the hard time of losing their father.  The kids still talk about it, and that night feels very special in our memories.

Throughout the year I also try to do many things for others and to let my children see it and participate if it is approriate.  I used to make the mistake of "giving" to others while my children were at school.  But then it occured to me that I needed to let them see me doing things for others.

This year we are going to use this idea from premeditatedleftovers.com.  I'll let you know how it turns out!

(premeditatedleftovers.com)

Here's an article by Michael Hyatt on growing generosity in your children.  And here is a link to some stories about "giving" to read to your children.

Helping Children Behave in Public Places

(mommyish.com)

We've all had one.  There is always one child who melts down every time you go shopping or to a restaurant.  Even if they are old enough not to.  I've actually had more than one.  So I've developed a method based on advice from my sister-in-law that really works, and it centers on preparation.

Step one:  Before you leave, make sure the child is fed and dressed appropriately.  Make sure you've given him enough attention this day.  If you need to, read him a story to help him feel loved.  Bring water, food, and other needed supplies if you are going to be out a long time.

Step two:  Warn the child that you are going and tell him what your objective is so he doesn't expect you to buy him a lot of stuff.

Step three:  When you are driving to your destination, tell him your expectations.  Tell him the rules of the place you are going.  Have him repeat them back.  You can offer a reward for good behavior, but only if you think it is needed.  Mostly, you should just expect the good behavior.

Step four:  Tell the child that he can only come with you if he follows the rules.  If he has a tantrum you will bring him home and go back later.  Be prepared to follow through and leave your shopping cart if you need to.  Do not tell them this if you can't follow through.  They will stop believing you and test you more the next time.  You must leave every time there is misbehavior, even if it is a fun place like a museum or swimming pool.  You don't have to yell or get angry....leaving is enough to deter the behavior.  Just be loving and firm.  Tell him you are sorry he chose not to stay.  You can even give him a hug and tell him you know he can do better the next time.

Step five:  Compliment good behavior in the store.  Give him a hug or a pat on the back when you are done.  Praise him in front of others when you get home.

This method works every time. We have virtually eliminated tantrums and whining in the store, or misbehavior in restaurants.   The key is consistancy, love, and following through.  I hope it works for your children too!

Why do Relationships Last?

(Businessinsider.com)

I always talk about how the best thing you can do for your kids is to have a healthy relationship, and also I love to tell you to read the book by John Gottman: "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail."  Well recently someone interviewed John Gottman and wrote this article:  "Science says Lasting Relationships come down to 2 basic Traits," for the Atlantic magazine, and it was reprinted by Business Insider.  It's worth reading!

Lack of Experience and Brain Development

(www.i-ortho.com)

I wanted to write a post about why we should all be more patient with our teens.  Sometimes teenagers act like little adults.  It certainly seems that they should have the same judgement we do when they are making decisions.  But then we are surprised when they do something so silly, we can't understand where it came from.  For instance, once my son put off starting his homework until MIDNIGHT.  Yes, midnight, in spite of reminders to get going on his homework by his parents...and then he started a couple of HUGE assignments that were due the next day...and finally went to sleep at 5am.  He had to get up at 6am.

Needless to say, I was perplexed.  He seems like such a sensible boy.  Why would he do something so dumb?  Anyway, he went to school and had a very hard time staying awake in his classes, and hopefully that taught him his lesson.

But seriously, why do they act that way?  There have been studies done recently on the teenage brain that offer some answers.  They have found that teenagers' cerebral cortex, the front part of the brain that helps with judgement doesn't start its huge development until age 16.  (One reason why it's good to make teens wait to date until 16).  Also they don't have the experience to make good judgements yet, so sometimes they do really dumb stuff.

So if this happens to you, and it will...it's a good idea to remember the above and teach instead of criticizing.  Help them learn from their experiences by talking about it with them often.  It will preserve the relationship much better if we are patient with our teens as they learn.

There is a book that explains why teens have these problems called, "Why do they Act that Way?" by Dr. David Walsh, PhD, which can really help you understand teens better and have more patience with them.  It has helped me to be more understanding when my teens have made some really dumb decisions.

Here it is:

Why do they Act that Way?

Best Teen Parenting Book Ever!

(source: breakthecycle.org)

I just finished reading, "How to talk so TEENS will listen and listen so TEENS will talk", and it is the best book ever!  If I could buy this for every parent of teenagers I would.  If you read this book your life will be MUCH easier.   I will be exploring some of the topics from this book in the next couple of posts because I think they are so important.  But read the book!  It will help you so much!  These are the methods I use on my teens and they are the ONLY things that work, along with the 5 languages of love.  I know because I've tried it all.  Hope it helps with your teens too!

How to Listen

(source: childs-play-healing.com)

Listening is a huge part of parenting.  I would say parenting is 60 percent listening and 40 percent teaching.  Many parents rush to judge or lecture when their child starts to talk to them, but if you hold yourself back from lecturing (I know it's hard, sometimes I have to bite my lip to stop myself) you'll be surprised how often they can and should solve their own problems.  And it is always more effective if they do, because they listen to themselves more than they listen to us.

You, of course, can ask guiding or leading questions, but try not to give them the answers.  Let them figure it out as they talk to you.

Here are some tips on a type of listening called reflective listening which is really effective with kids and with your spouse.

1. Listen to the whole problem.  Let them finish.
2. Reflect back to them what you heard.  Say, "So what your saying is that you don't have time to clean your room, and do your homework, and hang out with friends?"
3.  Let them correct you if you are wrong.
4. Reflect it again, and see if you got it right.
5.  Ask them how they think the problem could be solved to make both people happy.  Hold back from giving advice.
6.  Just listen.  Be willing to try solutions even if they aren't your first choice.  Be supportive.  Let them try things even if you think it won't work, then re-visit the issue in a couple of days.  Use your reflective listening skills again.  Ask them what they've learned and what new thing they think they should try.

I promise this will work better than any lecture than you can give and it will make them feel loved and supported and empower them to solve their own problems and work toward compromises...which is what we all want for our children!

Here is a book that explains the process in depth, and is really fun to read:

How toTalk so kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Here is a link to an article on "Active Listening" that is also really informative!

Family Vacations

(source: fedupusa.org)

Whether it's a trip to Disneyland or a hike to a local waterfall, family vacations are important to families.  The reason is that it allows your family to get away from the craziness of the world for awhile and bond with each other.  Building that bond is important....brother/sister, father/son, mother/daughter and all the other combinations.  That bond is what helps children to know they are loved, it helps them to have stability in times of stress, it gives them good memories and feelings to draw upon, and it is an opportunity to express all the languages of love to your children and your spouse.  Think about it...you spend quality time together, you give each other words of affirmation as you learn new things, you may give each other small gifts, and you do acts of service as you get ready, come home, and even while you are there.  It is amazing how family vacations can draw even struggling relationships closer together.

Here are some tips for making the most of your family vacations, big or small:

1. Choose and plan where to go together as a family
2. Build up the excitement by reading and searching on the web things about your destination and sharing them with the family.
3. Pack, but don't stress.  Give the kids a checklist to pack themselves and then check their bags over.  This will increase their involvement, excitement and responsibility.  There is usually a store where you can pick up things you forgot.
4. While you travel, read the history to the kids of the places you visit.  This increases enjoyment.
5. When you get there, decide together what things are important to you.  You could let each child pick one thing.  Ownership also increases enjoyment.
6. Take LOTS of pictures!  And even videos!  (After a recent death in the family, I am really committed to doing this!)
7. After you get home, spend time talking about what you loved, and maybe make a scrapbook for the kids to look at again and again.  This will increase appreciation, and also bring back those special feelings every time they look at the memories.

Tips on calming teens' emotional roller coaster

When they're up they're up....when they're down they're down.  It's hard to predict what mood you'll be facing when they come home.  Teens face raging hormones and difficult social, emotional, and intellectual challenges.  This can make them extremely moody, but there are ways to calm the moodiness and get them more on an even keel.

(source: www.groundworkcounseling.com)

1. Sleep:  Teens love to stay up late, but if you establish regular sleep times and try to help them stick with them, it will help them TREMENDOUSLY to be in a better mood.  You can talk to them about it, and tell them that studies show that teens need the same amount of sleep as toddlers do.

2. Exercise:  Regular exercise calms those hormones and gets that serotonin level up.  My daughter was like two different people.  When she exercised she was happy and calm, and when she didn't she was up and down a lot.  So we tried to encourage her to enroll in school swim team and track, in order to help her mood swings.  Many boys also need physical exercise as an outlet for their raging testosterone at this age, which can trigger aggression or picking on family members if not given an outlet.

3. Time with family:  Even though teens think they don't have time for this, they need to be bonding with parents individually and the family collectively to stay stable.  This means you will have to establish times for this.  We have a regular family night, a sit down family dinner where we all talk together, and I take them on weekly one on one dates, and try to talk to them individually each day, mostly at bedtime.  Also family traditions and vacations help the teens stay bonded.

4. Verbal communication is key.  When teens have sadness, anger or are experiencing a strong emotion, they need to talk about it, so it doesn't come out in their actions instead.  Know what is going on in your teen's life and find ways to talk about it.

5. Relationship with a higher Power:  Whatever your religion, it will help your teen to be taught how to pray and read scriptures that will help them in their daily challenges.  We do this with our family and have them do it individually before bedtime.

6. Love Languages:  Make sure you know your teen's love language and are speaking it to them. (although they need all five love languages regularly).

These six things will go a long way in helping your teen be more stable and less moody during their adolescent years.  The emotional behavior will not be gone, but things will be less up and down for you and your teen.

Older kids need touch Too

All children need touch to feel loved:  a pat on the back, a hug, or even a wrestle for those kids who don't like hugs.  But did you know that older children need touch just as much as younger ones do?  Sometimes when children turn eleven and up, we are afraid to give them hugs because they may be prickly.  Or men may not want to give their daughters the wrong idea.  But those older children need touch to feel loved and we have to find ways to do it, whether it be tousling your sons hair, or giving them a side hug when they are laughing and their defenses are down.  Also, kids whose main love language is touch may search for it elsewhere if they are not getting it at home.

(source: www.halsamt.wordpress.com)

I knew a girl whose father stopped giving her hugs and pats on the back after she turned eleven.  Unfortunately this girl's love language was touch, and eventually it led to her sinking into a depression and even attempting suicide when she was seventeen, even though her parents tried to show love in every other way.  It talks about this phenomena in the book, "How to Really Love your Child," by Dr. Ross Campbell and gives some good solutions.

Give your child a hug today.  Even if you are uncomfortable with touch yourself.  You've got to make yourself do it.  I myself, am uncomfortable with touch, however, I make myself do it every day with each of my children.  And so far, they are very happy with that.

Love is the predictor for success

I just got back from a women's conference that taught lots of classes on parenting.  One of the speakers quoted recent scientific studies that said they watched children grow up and surprisingly, IQ, ACT scores, innate talents, educational opportunities and things like that were NOT a predictor of a child's success as they reached adulthood.  The main predictor was that there was LOVE in the home.

(Theyvebeenframed.wordpress.com)

The mothers were not harsh disciplinarians (though there was discipline), but that all the successful children came from loving homes.  Which goes to prove that LOVE is the main shaper of children and increases desire for good behavior.  So keep doing those love languages, and give consequences in a kind, but firm way and without anger.  It will really help your child to succeed!

Eye Contact

Most moms know that it's important to give your baby eye contact as you nurse them or feed them to help them develop their eyesight and to bond.  However, many people do not know that eye contact is important to older children as well.  Studies show that children who know how to give eye contact when they are talking do better socially.  It also helps a child feel loved when they have eye contact with you.  So look at them when you speak.  It's important.

I decided to test this out one day in one of my classes.  I was teaching the four year olds, and they were mad because I wasn't their regular teacher.  Then, one by one I looked them in the eye and asked them about random things, and pretty soon they were all eating out of my hand and climbing on my lap, ready to receive more love.  It really works.  Eye contact.  Who knew?

The Five love Languages

I mentioned in a previous post that one of my favorite books is "The 5 Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman,Ph.D.  (The book on teens and the one on marriage are also really great).

I wanted to list the five love languages.  The first love language is "Words of Affirmation." 

This is a great article about complimenting children.

(source: http://www.imom.com)

 Words of affirmation are when you say nice things to your child like, "I really love it that you put your backpack away when you come in the house every day.  That is so helpful!"  You can tell your children need this when they just shine after you give them compliments.  Also they will compliment you a lot.

The next love language is "Quality Time."

(picture source: http://www.schoolsparks.com/blog)

 Some children really need a lot of one on one time.  This is where you take them on a date, or play a game with them, or read to them at bedtime.

The third love language is "touch."  

(picture source: http://www.vanillajoy.com/kid-love.html)

Many children need lots of hugs, pats, back scratches, wrestling, whatever form of touch is most comfortable to them.  You can tell this if they are always hanging on you wanting hugs or to be rocked and held if they are little.  Some children will always hit and tackle you, and that is also a sign that they need touch.

The fourth love language is "Service."

(picture source: http://www.drrobynsilverman.com)

 This is where you do things for your child, like make their lunch for school.  We all know we shouldn't do everything for our kids.  They need to be independent, but we should show them love by doing some acts of service for them.

The last love language is giving "gifts."  

(picture source: www.parentingmojo.com)

This is when you give your child a present like a souvenir from a trip.  Some children treasure gifts more than others.  It is interesting to see how they cherish and put them in special places and take them out often to look at it.  A gift can even be a special rock found at a beach.

The main point I want to make about this is that every child will have one or two "main" love languages that they need the most.  But I have discovered in my own family and through working in classrooms that ALL CHILDREN NEED ALL LOVE LANGUAGES.

Each of my children have a main one, but they crave all of them, so I have to do them all for each child, while being mindful of the one they crave the most.  As soon as I started doing the love languages with my children and trying to figure out what each child needed, my whole family improved.  I stopped having to discipline almost ever because their behavior was so good.  It was amazing.  Now usually they just do what I ask them to do.  If they don't, it usually just takes a small discussion to remedy it.  This is because they are so full of love and security that they want to do what is right.  The reason children act out is because they may feel unloved and insecure.  Not that they aren't getting love, but they may not be getting it in "their" language that they need.  So it is worth researching.

Here is a website to help you figure out your family's love languages.  It is worth the time and effort because it will make your life so much easier and your family so much happier!

A Stable Marriage: The best gift to your Children

picture source (www.a2zlivestyle.com)

I just wanted to share with you today what I think is one of the most important principles in raising a family:  A stable marriage.  This is not easy.  It takes work.  And there are many times when although ideal, it just isn't going to happen because of death, divorce, abuse, or apathy of one partner.  These are things that exist and I do not mean to make anyone feel bad, because we are all doing the best that we can, and there are things that cannot be helped or fixed.  But if it is a possibility for you, it is worth the time to put a lot of work into making your marriage stable.  Nurturing this relationship should be a priority even over nurturing the children (although both are extremely important).  This will give your children the most happiness and the best chance at success.  You can do every other thing for your child, but if your marriage is not stable then things may be harder for the children, they may act out more, and whatever you do may be undermined by the insecurities they feel.

So I wanted to share with you today my favorite marriage books.  They have helped me so much to understand my partner and to get my marriage stable so that my children can thrive.  The first is called,

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, by Dr. John Gottman.  This book is life changing!!!  It even helped one of my friends improve her relationship with her mother-in-law!

And you can probably guess the 2nd book I am going to recommend: because it works!

"Five Love Languages: The secret to a love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman

I promise you these books will change your life!  They changed mine, and my husband's and my relationship is still going strong and happy after 20 years!

How to criticize less

I said in the previous post that criticism is the destroyer of relationships and that is true...especially when you criticize someone's character.  This is really true when working with children. We all need to do better at this, including myself.  I went to a class at a women's conference one year and the teacher taught some great principles on how to help yourself stop criticizing.  These tips have really helped me over the years!  (Please don't feel guilty if you have a problem criticizing...we all do, especially on bad days...I just think the problem can be worked on, and I have gotten better over the years by following these guidelines).

(picture from: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Happy_child.jpg)

1. Keep in mind that many times criticism stems out of not feeling good about oneself.  And so many of these tips are about getting your own world in order, so that you can feel good about others.

2.  Make sure you are getting plenty of sleep.

3. Eat nutritious foods and try to avoid junk.  Exercise!

4. Carve out a specific time for yourself for alone time each day.

5. Make sure you are having time each day to commune with God through prayer or scriptures or however you do it.  (This can be difficult with little ones, but it, and number 4 are extremely important even if it is only 10 minutes.  I think this tip helps a lot!)

6.  Keep this mantra in your head, "Teach, don't criticize.  Remember that you are "working with" your kids, not against them.

7. Listen listen, listen, before you speak.  Find out what the real problem is first.

8. Go somewhere and calm down if you are angry.  Then talk about it with the person after you think about what the real problem is.

9.  If you do have to give a consequence, give it in private.  Avoid shaming in front of others.

10. Simplify your life, so that you are not overwhelmed.

These tips have really helped me to keep calm and not criticize.  I hope they will help you too keep a strong relationship with your children!

TIME: The magic word in families

(picture from: top.coupons-code.org)

A wise man named Deieter F. Uchdorf once said, "When it comes to families love is spelled, T-I-M-E."  This is very true.  Time is one of the things your children most need, but it is also one of the least things we, as mothers have to give.  I used to spend time with all five of my children quite often: going on picnics, to science centers, making playdough.  However, I found this was not enough.  Children don't count it as a show of love unless it is "one on one" time.  This is extremely important to accept.  It took me awhile to really believe this concept because I didn't want to do it.  But the minute I began giving each child a "Mommy date" once a week, their happiness increased and their behavior improved, by miles.  They started to be golden children, and I am not exaggerating.  Quality time is one of the languages of love, and it is important to children...all children, even if it is not their main "Love Language".  I'll talk about love languages next, but I wanted to highlight this one because it is so important.  Our dates are not long.  I just run them to McDonald's for a dollar menu treat or to the dollar store, and talk to them about how they are doing while we do it.  It takes probably 15 minutes.  But to them, it is the most important 15 minutes in the world.  Try it.  It will transform your family almost overnight.  I guarantee it!