What to Do if you Make a Parenting Mistake

legacyproject.human.cornell.edu

You are not alone.  We all make parenting mistakes.  Often.  Don't beat yourself up.  Just learn from it.  Try to do better next time.  Forgive yourself.  You will find your children are very forgiving.  I can't count how many mistakes I have made, but when I apologize, all is forgiven, and we even laugh about it together.  Often the conversations that happen after the apology are very precious and build your relationship even stronger.  If you keep making the same mistake over and over, just keep trying.  Do not give up.  You will get stronger over time and as you get more sleep.  I remember I would sometimes get grumpy at my kids when they kept getting out of bed at night.  A short fuse from little sleep.  But all that has gone away.  I got better over time....and you will too.  Forgive yourself.  You will get stronger and your parenting skills will grow with time and experience.  I know this from my own experience.  Today I found myself not getting angry when my child made unreasonable demands in a rude voice.  I calmly told her the right way to ask me, and she immediately fixed the problem with no drama.  I thought...boy I've come a long way, to be able to do that.  And you will to.

Talking about Tough Topics with Your Children

(www.lds.org)

This is the best article I've ever read about how to parent well.  I LOVED it.  I wish everyone in the world could read it.  Click the caption to go there.

Why Controlling your children too much is Bad

(Theatlantic.com)

It may seem good to control all the things your child does for their own safety, but too much control is bad for your child.  This is because a child and especially a teen needs to learn self-control.  I've seen it over and over when a parent has been too controlling, the child either rebels as a teen or young adult, or they have no idea how to practice self-control when they leave home.

Don't get me wrong, too little control is just as bad.  Permissiveness is not good parenting.  The best way is a middle road.  Your main form of parenting should be listening, teaching, and loving.  Then let them learn through their own experience.  Give them practice making choices with their electronics, without giving total free reign.  For instance, you can have house rules such as computers only in the main area of the house, and no more than one show a day be watched, or 45 min. of computer time.  Then you can teach about not watching violence, or pornography.  You can fill them with love.  Then let them choose, but watch what they do, and discuss their choices and the consequences, but only control what you need to keep them safe...not every little decision.  If you clamp down, and don't allow any t.v. or electronics, your child will not have the experience he needs to make good choices in the world of electronics when he leaves home.

When children are younger they will need much more control than when they are teens.  Your control should loosen as they get older so they will be able to practice being independent.  This doesn't mean you can check out as a parent.  You need to know what your kids are doing and be talking to them and teaching them often.  You  can let them choose how they spend their time, after they have fulfilled their home and school responsibilities.  You can teach them that the better they are at fulfilling responsiblities, the more freedom and trust they earn.  This is how it works in the real world.

Your goal is to have them be able to take care of themselves when they leave home.  Your teaching and your love should not lessen when your children are older.  If anything it may need to increase.  Don't nag your teens, but pick moments when their guard is down to talk to them about life, mostly listening and guiding them to come up with their own solutions.

The middle road, not too controlling, and not too permissive.  Therein lies the "sweet spot" that will help your children grow to successful adults.

Teaching Honesty

(www.parentingbydrrene.com)

This is a popular subject because all children try out being dishonest at one time or another.  You may be scandalized, but I have an unconventional view of how to deal with dishonesty.  I actually don't come down hard with discipline on this issue except to teach the correct principle often, and here is why.  I lied a lot when I was a kid.  So did my oldest daughter.  I noticed that when people came down hard on me, I just lied more because I wanted to stay out of trouble.  Same with my daughter.  Eventually, I matured out of it in my teens and so did she.

So what I've done is teach about honesty often in my home.  I teach with stories and examples.  We talk about the natural consequences of dishonesty.  Then when my kids tell a lie, I talk with them about it more....I ask them why they did it...and help them find a better way.  This has been so much more successful than punishment when it comes to dishonesty.  My kids really respond well to this and try really hard be honest.

Punishment just drives the behavior underground, it doesn't change it.  Love and teaching will help them change self-destructive behavior.  You will have to repeat yourself often...but I promise...it worked with my oldest daughter.  She is now the most honest person I know.  And so far, it's working with my other kids.  Here is a link to some inspiring stories about honesty to share with children and teens.  And here is a link to a great article about teaching honesty in your home.

Children Need to Feel Respect

(www.telegraph.co.uk)

After reading this article about how marriage partners make "bids" for love and respect, I noticed that my children do it too.  You can strengthen or weaken the relationship with your child by how you respond to their "bids."  Often they "fish" for respect or love by issuing a challenge.  I saw it in the home of one of my friends the other day.  The daughter was saying something that she learned in school and the mother was arguing that it was incorrect.  But interestingly, I don't think the daughter was wanting to be "right,"  I think that she was just fishing for her mother's approval and respect.  So I want to keep this more in mind as I deal with my children's "challenges."  It's probably good to ponder what the real reason is behind their challenge.  Are they just fishing for love, attention, or respect?  If so, then it's important to react in a way that validates this need.  Of course, if you need to teach them correct principles in response to this challenge, you can always do it in a soft way that preserves the feeling that you love them.  And lastly, something to remember is that experience is a better teacher than you sometimes.  So if they challenge you that they want to do something that you know isn't going to work, and it's going to be pretty harmless if they fail, tell them that you trust their judgement and will let them try what they want to try.  Though you may want to ask them non-judgemental questions in order to help lead them through their thought processes.  And always remember to do it with love.

Punishment versus Parenting

(source: huffingtonpost.com)

I love what Elaine Mazlish says about punishment.  She says, "There is no room for punishment in a caring relationship."  I agree.  Punishment does not actually make children want to change behavior, it just makes them mad, and it robs them of the guilt needed to actually make an internal change because they have "paid the price" already for their "crimes."  Also punishment usually just drives the undesirable behavior underground, rather than changing it.  Or it inspires passive-aggressive behavior which you want to avoid at all costs.

A better way, I think, is the way Elaine describes.  She says first you listen to the child's feelings that motivated the behavior and acknowledge them.  Then you state your beliefs/position (teach them a better way, or ask them what a better way would be)  and give them a way to make amends or "fix" what they did.  This hopefully, because it is like a partnership with the child, helping them to become successful, will inspire the healthy guilt that will make them want to change internally.  It actually strengthens the relationship rather than destroys it.  And the relationship is a huge motivator for the child's actions, along with their internal moral compass.

If the child still doesn't change his behavior after you do the above, then you just link a privilege to what you want to change, saying something like, "Well, as soon as you get all your assignments in you can go back to soccer practice, because school work is the most important thing before you add more activities to your life.  But I know you'll figure it out."  This is a much more positive way of doing things rather than saying, "You're grounded for a month!"  It gives hope, and leaves the control in the child's hands.  They can get soccer back whenever they want it badly enough to change their behavior.

So, teach rather than punish.  Offer a way for them to make amends.  You'll find this to be a much more effective way to make the internal changes you are looking for and to shape their moral compass for life.

Here is another article on the effects of punishment from a child psychologist.

Teaching Young Children Responsibility and Self-Control

(source: blog.prevention.com)

We have a saying at our house:  You are the KING of you!  We usually teach this at family night, with fake crowns, the idea being to teach the concept that each child can control his or her own body.  They are in charge of every decision they make.  And they need to be responsible for those choices.

We usually do some role plays along with this, showing how they can be the "king" or "queen" of their own selves in any situation, even if they are confronted with temptation.  Because we do this, we are then able to say "Who is the king of you?" when they try to say things like, "It wasn't my fault!"

This imagery really works with young children, and I even remind my teens of it sometimes.  Children WANT to be kings and in charge of SOMETHING.  So they really like to think of it that way.  Usually after we remind them that they are kings, they use self-control better and try hard to do what is right.

Hope this helps your children as much as it does mine!

Teaching Teens Self-Control in a digital Age

(source: teenblab.com)

How much control should parents exercise over their teens?  Should you let your son get that mohawk?  Should you control what music they listen to?  How about what they watch?  In our family we've come up with a solution that seems to work, helping teens stay safe, without taking away their experience in making choices.  The solution is that we teach our teens and even our younger children self-control.  This is a method that uses teaching, rather than control, and it requires a bit more effort as you must continue to teach over time and keep tabs on what your child is doing.  But it is worth it, because the benefit is that when the child leaves home, he will be ready to control himself and stay safe from things that may harm him.

When my husband was a bishop in our church, he counseled a lot of college youth.  One thing he found was that college age kids who came from homes where they didn't have experience choosing good things because parents controlled everything they watched and listened to, had a lot of trouble with self-control when they left home.  They just didn't have the experience needed to stay safe in a digital world.

So we decided after that to teach our teens self-control.  We can't be everywhere with our teens.  They are going to have opportunities to do things we don't agree with and that might be harmful to them.  So we spend a lot of time educating them about choices and consequences during our family night and during family dinner, and also as we drive them places.  We don't always lecture, we try to make it a discussion so the teens can apply what they are learning in their every day lives.

(source: www.autoguide.com)

Here is an example of one way that we teach.  When we are in the car, I let my teens have control over the radio music we listen to.  I have spent a lot of time talking to them about the power music has, and that it is important for them to choose good music that is uplifting. Because I let them have control, I am able to watch how they are doing.  Do they notice that the song has swear words in it?  If so, do they turn it to something else right away?  If not, it is my opportunity to teach some more.  We talk about why listening to music with swear words in it might not be a good idea.  I also let them have control over what they watch, but I keep a close eye on it.  If something is not right, we have more teaching moments.  Usually these turn into bonding experiences, especially as we teach with love.

This method has worked really well.  My teens seem to be gaining practice and experience in controlling themselves with media, and if they make mistakes, we talk to them right away about how they feel about it, and what they can do to not have harmful consequences.  If we have accidentally given them too much freedom, too early, before they are mature enough to handle it, we go back and take control until they are mature enough to handle it.

Another thing is, we try to let teens have control in things that don't matter, such as how they wear their hair.  If they want to get a mohawk, we let them.  If they want to eat 5 donuts and get sick...we let them try that.  It usually only happens once.  This is because teens will try to express their individuality and experiment, and it is better if they experiment on things that won't harm them.  Let them find out that their parents were right, and they shouldn't have procrastinated that school project so much.  This will improve your credibility and they will learn faster.  But always be teaching along the way and offering support...not taking away their consequences, but telling them you love them.  You can ask them how they can do better in the future.  Remember that different children will be more or less mature and you will have to gauge how to treat each one individually according to their maturity.

Because we let teens have control in things that don't matter, it gives us the leeway to control in things that ARE harmful.  We give them strong boundaries against truly harmful things.  For instance, we don't let our kids go to parties with alcohol or drugs.  We teach that being around that kind of thing over time will break down their resistance and they will eventually succumb to peer pressure.  We don't let our kids look at pornography because we teach that it is harmful and addictive.  We also don't let them go to rated R movies, and we teach that they need to make sure the PG13's aren't harmful before they watch them, though we let them choose what PG13's they watch, so they can gain experience.  We let our children choose what they wear, but we teach strongly that they need to be modest to avoid serious consequences in attracting the wrong kind of attention.  If my daughter chooses something questionable, usually I teach some more and she decides to wear something else.  Because I have spent a lot of time loving her, with the 5 love languages, she listens to me.   So you have to take a look at your own personal and family standards and see what to control and not control, and what you think will be harmful, and what doesn't matter.

(source: compassionatesolutions.ca)

One last note...children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care.  So keep giving them those love languages, so that they are ready and willing to listen to you when you teach.

I hope this helps your family.  It is definitely something you have to constantly work on and watch over.  But given experience under your watchful eye, your teens should be ready to control themselves better once they leave home.