Parenting Tweens

(howdoesshe.com)

Loved this article!  Click the caption to go there.

Children Need to Know

(Joshshipp.com)

My own addition to this list is that every child needs to hear the word "No" sometimes.  This is because they need to understand that there are limits in the world.  Children who don't understand limits grow up very unhappy.

Helping Kids Resist Peer Pressure

(www.cdc.gov)

Over the years, I've noticed there are certain things that help kids resist peer pressure.  Here are some ways we have fortified our kids against pressure to do things that are not consistent with their values.

1. The BIGGEST thing I think that helps is to have a stable home environment.  A stable marriage and a stable parent/child relationship is key, as kids tend to act out their insecurities.  Read more articles on this blog on how to achieve these things.

2.   Family Traditions and Regular Family nights/outings-  Your child needs to feel like they belong to a group.  If your family is not actively doing the above things, they will seek it in their peers.  (Some time with friends is good, but you want them to be more bonded to the family than to their friends).

3. Listen before judging.  Kids need to feel accepted, respected, and loved, if they don't, they will also look for acceptance in their peers.

4. Teach them your values, religious or otherwise.  Children tend to flounder unless they have a system of values they've been taught.  If you are religious, teach them to have a personal relationship with God.  This will give them strength and help them to not feel alone.

5. The Touch Love language-  Make sure you are hugging your kids (girls and boys) and giving them pats on the back or wrestling if that is what they like.  Even if your child is a teen, they need touch.  If they don't get it from you, they will seek it elsewhere.

6. Develop their talents- This will help self-esteem, a necessary component in fighting peer pressure.

7. Keep them busy-  As they get to be teens, they will need to fill their time with good things, so boredom doesn't drive them to bad things.  I've found that a part-time job when they turn sixteen really helps them to stay focused on good things.

8.  Show and tell them you love them always.

Children Need to Feel Respect

(www.telegraph.co.uk)

After reading this article about how marriage partners make "bids" for love and respect, I noticed that my children do it too.  You can strengthen or weaken the relationship with your child by how you respond to their "bids."  Often they "fish" for respect or love by issuing a challenge.  I saw it in the home of one of my friends the other day.  The daughter was saying something that she learned in school and the mother was arguing that it was incorrect.  But interestingly, I don't think the daughter was wanting to be "right,"  I think that she was just fishing for her mother's approval and respect.  So I want to keep this more in mind as I deal with my children's "challenges."  It's probably good to ponder what the real reason is behind their challenge.  Are they just fishing for love, attention, or respect?  If so, then it's important to react in a way that validates this need.  Of course, if you need to teach them correct principles in response to this challenge, you can always do it in a soft way that preserves the feeling that you love them.  And lastly, something to remember is that experience is a better teacher than you sometimes.  So if they challenge you that they want to do something that you know isn't going to work, and it's going to be pretty harmless if they fail, tell them that you trust their judgement and will let them try what they want to try.  Though you may want to ask them non-judgemental questions in order to help lead them through their thought processes.  And always remember to do it with love.

Your Love Must be Unconditional

(mycoachwendy.com.au)

I talked with a friend the other day and she was telling me that her children were complaining that she  had favorites.  I had never noticed her to play favorites so I was curious and asked to know more about it.  She said one child was saying that she treated their oldest son differently than the others.  And then she said, "But how could I not give him anything he wants?  He does everything for me that I ask and more."

Now I can't analyze this problem more than just from what she tells me, but it sounds like from that statement and from others she made that her show of love is more effusive when children are obedient than when they aren't.

This is a dangerous practice and here is why.  If you show more love for your child when they are obedient than when they are disobedient,  you are signalling that your love is "conditional" upon their behavior.  This will make them feel unloved and they will rebel, or have hard times or low self esteem.

Your show of love has to be equal to every child whether they are behaving poorly or well.  You can take away PRIVELEGES when they misbehave....but not your show of love.

Children need to know you love them unconditionally, whether they are good or badly behaved.  This love empowers them to behave better.  As they become confident in your love, they will want to please you more...if they think your love is conditional, they won't want to please you at all.  They will be bitter and resentful.

So it's good to analyze once in awhile, whether your show of love is unconditional.  It makes a big difference.

Lack of Experience and Brain Development

(www.i-ortho.com)

I wanted to write a post about why we should all be more patient with our teens.  Sometimes teenagers act like little adults.  It certainly seems that they should have the same judgement we do when they are making decisions.  But then we are surprised when they do something so silly, we can't understand where it came from.  For instance, once my son put off starting his homework until MIDNIGHT.  Yes, midnight, in spite of reminders to get going on his homework by his parents...and then he started a couple of HUGE assignments that were due the next day...and finally went to sleep at 5am.  He had to get up at 6am.

Needless to say, I was perplexed.  He seems like such a sensible boy.  Why would he do something so dumb?  Anyway, he went to school and had a very hard time staying awake in his classes, and hopefully that taught him his lesson.

But seriously, why do they act that way?  There have been studies done recently on the teenage brain that offer some answers.  They have found that teenagers' cerebral cortex, the front part of the brain that helps with judgement doesn't start its huge development until age 16.  (One reason why it's good to make teens wait to date until 16).  Also they don't have the experience to make good judgements yet, so sometimes they do really dumb stuff.

So if this happens to you, and it will...it's a good idea to remember the above and teach instead of criticizing.  Help them learn from their experiences by talking about it with them often.  It will preserve the relationship much better if we are patient with our teens as they learn.

There is a book that explains why teens have these problems called, "Why do they Act that Way?" by Dr. David Walsh, PhD, which can really help you understand teens better and have more patience with them.  It has helped me to be more understanding when my teens have made some really dumb decisions.

Here it is:

Why do they Act that Way?

So True!

I loved this one too!

(smartsassymom.com)

Punishment versus Parenting

(source: huffingtonpost.com)

I love what Elaine Mazlish says about punishment.  She says, "There is no room for punishment in a caring relationship."  I agree.  Punishment does not actually make children want to change behavior, it just makes them mad, and it robs them of the guilt needed to actually make an internal change because they have "paid the price" already for their "crimes."  Also punishment usually just drives the undesirable behavior underground, rather than changing it.  Or it inspires passive-aggressive behavior which you want to avoid at all costs.

A better way, I think, is the way Elaine describes.  She says first you listen to the child's feelings that motivated the behavior and acknowledge them.  Then you state your beliefs/position (teach them a better way, or ask them what a better way would be)  and give them a way to make amends or "fix" what they did.  This hopefully, because it is like a partnership with the child, helping them to become successful, will inspire the healthy guilt that will make them want to change internally.  It actually strengthens the relationship rather than destroys it.  And the relationship is a huge motivator for the child's actions, along with their internal moral compass.

If the child still doesn't change his behavior after you do the above, then you just link a privilege to what you want to change, saying something like, "Well, as soon as you get all your assignments in you can go back to soccer practice, because school work is the most important thing before you add more activities to your life.  But I know you'll figure it out."  This is a much more positive way of doing things rather than saying, "You're grounded for a month!"  It gives hope, and leaves the control in the child's hands.  They can get soccer back whenever they want it badly enough to change their behavior.

So, teach rather than punish.  Offer a way for them to make amends.  You'll find this to be a much more effective way to make the internal changes you are looking for and to shape their moral compass for life.

Here is another article on the effects of punishment from a child psychologist.

Best Teen Parenting Book Ever!

(source: breakthecycle.org)

I just finished reading, "How to talk so TEENS will listen and listen so TEENS will talk", and it is the best book ever!  If I could buy this for every parent of teenagers I would.  If you read this book your life will be MUCH easier.   I will be exploring some of the topics from this book in the next couple of posts because I think they are so important.  But read the book!  It will help you so much!  These are the methods I use on my teens and they are the ONLY things that work, along with the 5 languages of love.  I know because I've tried it all.  Hope it helps with your teens too!

Teaching Teens Self-Control in a digital Age

(source: teenblab.com)

How much control should parents exercise over their teens?  Should you let your son get that mohawk?  Should you control what music they listen to?  How about what they watch?  In our family we've come up with a solution that seems to work, helping teens stay safe, without taking away their experience in making choices.  The solution is that we teach our teens and even our younger children self-control.  This is a method that uses teaching, rather than control, and it requires a bit more effort as you must continue to teach over time and keep tabs on what your child is doing.  But it is worth it, because the benefit is that when the child leaves home, he will be ready to control himself and stay safe from things that may harm him.

When my husband was a bishop in our church, he counseled a lot of college youth.  One thing he found was that college age kids who came from homes where they didn't have experience choosing good things because parents controlled everything they watched and listened to, had a lot of trouble with self-control when they left home.  They just didn't have the experience needed to stay safe in a digital world.

So we decided after that to teach our teens self-control.  We can't be everywhere with our teens.  They are going to have opportunities to do things we don't agree with and that might be harmful to them.  So we spend a lot of time educating them about choices and consequences during our family night and during family dinner, and also as we drive them places.  We don't always lecture, we try to make it a discussion so the teens can apply what they are learning in their every day lives.

(source: www.autoguide.com)

Here is an example of one way that we teach.  When we are in the car, I let my teens have control over the radio music we listen to.  I have spent a lot of time talking to them about the power music has, and that it is important for them to choose good music that is uplifting. Because I let them have control, I am able to watch how they are doing.  Do they notice that the song has swear words in it?  If so, do they turn it to something else right away?  If not, it is my opportunity to teach some more.  We talk about why listening to music with swear words in it might not be a good idea.  I also let them have control over what they watch, but I keep a close eye on it.  If something is not right, we have more teaching moments.  Usually these turn into bonding experiences, especially as we teach with love.

This method has worked really well.  My teens seem to be gaining practice and experience in controlling themselves with media, and if they make mistakes, we talk to them right away about how they feel about it, and what they can do to not have harmful consequences.  If we have accidentally given them too much freedom, too early, before they are mature enough to handle it, we go back and take control until they are mature enough to handle it.

Another thing is, we try to let teens have control in things that don't matter, such as how they wear their hair.  If they want to get a mohawk, we let them.  If they want to eat 5 donuts and get sick...we let them try that.  It usually only happens once.  This is because teens will try to express their individuality and experiment, and it is better if they experiment on things that won't harm them.  Let them find out that their parents were right, and they shouldn't have procrastinated that school project so much.  This will improve your credibility and they will learn faster.  But always be teaching along the way and offering support...not taking away their consequences, but telling them you love them.  You can ask them how they can do better in the future.  Remember that different children will be more or less mature and you will have to gauge how to treat each one individually according to their maturity.

Because we let teens have control in things that don't matter, it gives us the leeway to control in things that ARE harmful.  We give them strong boundaries against truly harmful things.  For instance, we don't let our kids go to parties with alcohol or drugs.  We teach that being around that kind of thing over time will break down their resistance and they will eventually succumb to peer pressure.  We don't let our kids look at pornography because we teach that it is harmful and addictive.  We also don't let them go to rated R movies, and we teach that they need to make sure the PG13's aren't harmful before they watch them, though we let them choose what PG13's they watch, so they can gain experience.  We let our children choose what they wear, but we teach strongly that they need to be modest to avoid serious consequences in attracting the wrong kind of attention.  If my daughter chooses something questionable, usually I teach some more and she decides to wear something else.  Because I have spent a lot of time loving her, with the 5 love languages, she listens to me.   So you have to take a look at your own personal and family standards and see what to control and not control, and what you think will be harmful, and what doesn't matter.

(source: compassionatesolutions.ca)

One last note...children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care.  So keep giving them those love languages, so that they are ready and willing to listen to you when you teach.

I hope this helps your family.  It is definitely something you have to constantly work on and watch over.  But given experience under your watchful eye, your teens should be ready to control themselves better once they leave home.

Your Child's Personality

(source: parenting.uwex.edu)

I wanted to write a post about personality types because when you raise your children you are going to have to take into account all their different personalties.  You may have one child that is very strong-willed and another who will crumble when you look at her funny.  You may have a child who organizes herself and makes checklists for school projects, and another who struggles just to finish assignments.  You may have an introvert who is happy staying at home, or an extrovert who needs constant interaction and playdates.

These are things you are going to have to notice.  You will need to figure out each child's strengths and weaknesses so that you are able to best determine how to help them.  Your child who struggles to finish?  You may decide you need to teach him ways to focus by assigning him jobs at home and working with him until he learns to focus.  Your really organized child?  You may have to teach her how to not be so bossy so she can have better friendships at school.

Also, a child's personality will affect the way you discipline.  I had a child who needed very strict boundaries, and one who could control herself and so only needed light guidance.  You will need to experiment and be aware to figure out what works for each child.  I do not think you should treat every child the same, even though that may seem more fair.  No amount of discipline or teaching will  help the child if it does not work well with his personality.

Another thing to remember is that a teenager's personality will change, sometimes monthly, so you may have to change your parenting a little as they get to be that age.  They are experimenting with who they are going to become and what feels comfortable to them, so be flexible and change your style temporarily when needed.  As they get older they will settle into their normal personalities.

One more thing I wanted to mention.  Never tell the child he/she is a certain type, and do not label them, lazy, or stubborn, or things like that.  This will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Children will act the way you expect them to.  If you are expecting your child to be a rebellious or lazy soul and treat them that way....they will become that way.  Just notice within yourself and adjust your parenting techniques accordingly.  Expect the best of your children and they will try to live up to it.

Here is another good article on discovering your child's temperament at a very young age.  Also sometimes it is enlightening to think about Meyers-Briggs personality types in trying to understand your children, which are explained in a book called, "Please Understand Me" by  David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates.

(Amazon.com)

But remember, children and teens don't grow into their full personalities until adulthood so don't stick them into a certain type and leave them there.  You need to be flexible and just notice tendencies and use techniques to work with them.

When to forgive your Child

(source: realsimple.com)

What happens when your child makes a mistake?  Do you get upset when they break your best lamp while playing indoor baseball (happened to me)....or when they back up with a broom, making a large hole in your front door (happened to me).  What is the best thing to do?

I can tell you when my kids did those things, I was not too happy.  But one of the incidents I completely forgave, and the other I gave a consequence.  The reason is that one was an unforeseen accident (the broom), and one was a blatant disregard for the rules they knew they should obey (not playing baseball in the house).

When your child has made a mistake and you can see that he/she already feels really bad about it, that may be punishment enough, depending on your child's temperament.   The reason is this:  a consequence gives the feeling that one has paid for the crime, and sometimes takes away guilt.  But some guilt is good, if it motivates them to not want to do it again.

So use your judgement....if the child already feels guilty about what they did and you can see that they probably don't need a consequence, you can just discuss it with them, and help them to make a plan to not have it happen again in the future.  Don't yell at them and try to make them feel guilty.  This is harmful.  Just notice if they are feeling bad, and ask them how to prevent future mishaps to help them not have to feel bad again.  (i.e. "Johnny, I can see that you feel really bad about doing this.  I understand that you made a mistake and I forgive you.  How can we prevent this from happening again?).

You want your child to know how to forgive others, and you can teach them best through example.  You also want them to know that forgiveness is available to them spiritually when they make mistakes.  So every once in awhile, consider forgiveness instead of a consequence if the conditions are right, and let their own guilt motivate them to do better.  It's good for them.

Children and Teens need strong Boundaries

(yanphoto.com)

Children, especially teens, think they'll be happier with less rules.  This is actually untrue.  I accidentally proved it with my teenage boy recently.  For some reason I thought, he's old enough for me to relax a little bit and give him more freedom (he's sixteen).  But apparently he wasn't.  He started being late for his curfew, ignoring dinner, and being really grumpy with his parents.  He wasn't quite mature enough to handle his freedom, and so we went back to the way things were.  And as soon as we did?  He was his old cheerful, helpful, responsible self again.

Strong boundaries make children feel secure and happy.  Think of it like building a safety fence around them.  Their job is to go around and bump against the fence, testing it time and time again, but if it stays firm, they feel safe and loved.  Now as teens get older they can maintain a bit of their own safety fence, but each teen is different.  My daughter could do it at sixteen.  Apparently my son could not.  I think I'll wait until he's eighteen to try again to give him a little more freedom.  Each child matures at a different rate.

Some parents try to be their child's best friend and treat their children as equals, being very permissive.  This is a mistake.  Your child has plenty of friends, but they need a parent.  They will not be happy without clear rules and structure in their life.  When we took in our foster child we made a strict schedule and also posted the rules so he would feel more secure and know what to expect.   What was amazing to me was that my own kids were so much happier too knowing exactly what to expect each day!

I don't think rules need to be enforced with anger.  You can enforce rules using a firm, but kind tone.  Children need to know you love them.  And it is important to give them an increase of love after any altercation.

I also don't think you need so many rules that it would take a computer brain to remember them all.  Just pick the ones you care about, and be consistent about enforcing them with love, which I have talked about in some of my older posts.

Don't get mad when children test the rules.  That is their job.  It is how they feel secure, testing them to be sure they are still there.  If you are inconsistent in enforcing the rules they count on, children will begin acting out more and more because of insecurity.  It's like they are floundering around trying to find where that fence is.

Good luck, and remember, helping children learn to obey will bless them in so many ways in society and the workplace where they will have to obey rules to be happy and successful.

Tips on calming teens' emotional roller coaster

When they're up they're up....when they're down they're down.  It's hard to predict what mood you'll be facing when they come home.  Teens face raging hormones and difficult social, emotional, and intellectual challenges.  This can make them extremely moody, but there are ways to calm the moodiness and get them more on an even keel.

(source: www.groundworkcounseling.com)

1. Sleep:  Teens love to stay up late, but if you establish regular sleep times and try to help them stick with them, it will help them TREMENDOUSLY to be in a better mood.  You can talk to them about it, and tell them that studies show that teens need the same amount of sleep as toddlers do.

2. Exercise:  Regular exercise calms those hormones and gets that serotonin level up.  My daughter was like two different people.  When she exercised she was happy and calm, and when she didn't she was up and down a lot.  So we tried to encourage her to enroll in school swim team and track, in order to help her mood swings.  Many boys also need physical exercise as an outlet for their raging testosterone at this age, which can trigger aggression or picking on family members if not given an outlet.

3. Time with family:  Even though teens think they don't have time for this, they need to be bonding with parents individually and the family collectively to stay stable.  This means you will have to establish times for this.  We have a regular family night, a sit down family dinner where we all talk together, and I take them on weekly one on one dates, and try to talk to them individually each day, mostly at bedtime.  Also family traditions and vacations help the teens stay bonded.

4. Verbal communication is key.  When teens have sadness, anger or are experiencing a strong emotion, they need to talk about it, so it doesn't come out in their actions instead.  Know what is going on in your teen's life and find ways to talk about it.

5. Relationship with a higher Power:  Whatever your religion, it will help your teen to be taught how to pray and read scriptures that will help them in their daily challenges.  We do this with our family and have them do it individually before bedtime.

6. Love Languages:  Make sure you know your teen's love language and are speaking it to them. (although they need all five love languages regularly).

These six things will go a long way in helping your teen be more stable and less moody during their adolescent years.  The emotional behavior will not be gone, but things will be less up and down for you and your teen.

Older kids need touch Too

All children need touch to feel loved:  a pat on the back, a hug, or even a wrestle for those kids who don't like hugs.  But did you know that older children need touch just as much as younger ones do?  Sometimes when children turn eleven and up, we are afraid to give them hugs because they may be prickly.  Or men may not want to give their daughters the wrong idea.  But those older children need touch to feel loved and we have to find ways to do it, whether it be tousling your sons hair, or giving them a side hug when they are laughing and their defenses are down.  Also, kids whose main love language is touch may search for it elsewhere if they are not getting it at home.

(source: www.halsamt.wordpress.com)

I knew a girl whose father stopped giving her hugs and pats on the back after she turned eleven.  Unfortunately this girl's love language was touch, and eventually it led to her sinking into a depression and even attempting suicide when she was seventeen, even though her parents tried to show love in every other way.  It talks about this phenomena in the book, "How to Really Love your Child," by Dr. Ross Campbell and gives some good solutions.

Give your child a hug today.  Even if you are uncomfortable with touch yourself.  You've got to make yourself do it.  I myself, am uncomfortable with touch, however, I make myself do it every day with each of my children.  And so far, they are very happy with that.

Resist Rescue

(source: www.alavoices.org)

Children and teens need to make mistakes, and you need to let them.  Many parents think they are showing love by helping their children avoid the consequences of their actions.  For instance, perhaps your teen doesn't turn in his assignments, and you intervene and talk with the teacher for him.  It would be much better if the teen were allowed to work it out with the teacher himself, or actually get a bad grade in order to help him "wake up."

This worked with my oldest daughter.  I was constantly reminding her to turn in her practice sheets, and running them to school when she forgot.  And she kept forgetting her assignments in other classes as well.  One day, I realized what I was doing.  My child was not learning because she never had to experience her own consequences.  So I quit reminding and told her my plan to not rescue her anymore.  That semester she got an "F" in Orchestra (this was Junior high).  That grade shocked her so much that for the rest of her school career she worked extremely hard to make sure it never happened again.

Another example of not rescuing is letting your children get detention when they are late for school and to quit sending in excuses for their tardies.  Of course they won't be happy about it, but they will learn.  And you can show an increase of love to them each time they make a mistake.  Talk to them about what they are learning and why you aren't rescuing them:  because you LOVE them.  Tell them you are helping them learn to be successful in the real world.

(source:www.nowuiowa.edu)

Now there are some children who don't care about natural consequences such as grades (sometimes this is because of problems in the home and that they are acting out their anger/insecurities, or sometimes they just aren't motivated by those things).  When this happens, I think it is important to give them the extra incentive to do better by linking their privileges to their responsibilities, as I talked about in the previous post.

However, remember through all these things that LOVE is the main motivator for good actions.  And that if children aren't getting enough love and stability at home, then they will act out no matter what consequences they experience.  So make sure you are doing those love languages.

It's important to let your children make mistakes and to let them fix them themselves, even when they are young.  They will really learn to be independent and happy this way, and you will be happier too.

Helping teens Obey

(source: davisk-12.ut.us)

As important as it is for your children to know how to follow rules, it's even more important for your teens because they have the potential to get into more dangerous trouble if they don't.  If you've taught your child when they were young, this should be easier than you think.  However, if you treat your teens like you treat your little ones, you may have a full blown rebellion on your hands.  Teens want to be treated more like adults.  They want more freedoms and you can help them learn responsibility through this desire.

 Keep in mind that the best way to change behavior is using the "Love languages" I've mentioned before.  But sometimes teens may need a little extra incentive to work with the family instead of in their own interests.  The best way to help teens continue to obey rules that will help them to be happy is to link their freedoms to those rules.  In real life, privilege comes with responsibility.  So you can teach your teen in your home that they only get to "drive the car", or hang out with friends, have a cell phone, or be on the computer if they are following the rules.  You can teach them that freedom comes with responsibility this way.

You will be amazed how well this works.  You don't have to get mad.  You don't have to lecture.  You just set up the rules and the freedoms that come with following them.  And when they don't do it, you take away the freedom linked to the rule for that day or until they follow it again.  For instance, if they are late to school, you take away their cell phone for the day (tell them, "I'm sorry you chose to lose the cell phone by being late.  I hope you'll do better tomorrow) (Make sure to show an increase of love throughout the day to help them know you love them).  Then if they are on time the next day (and they will be) you give it back.

You can talk to your teens about how they are getting more freedom as they grow more responsible.  Make sure you give them more trust and freedom as they show their responsibility and point it out so they have some positive reinforcement of their good choices.  For instance, as they prove that they are responsible about getting homework done and being on time for curfew, you can give them more time with their friends.  You should be eventually helping them to become completely independent as they show their competence.  You want them to be able to leave home and be independent eventually, so you'll want to give them more and more freedom and independence as they grow.

You'll find that your teens are much happier when they can control themselves and are following the rules.  They have higher self esteem and they'll do better at home and in school.  This method has worked wonders for our kids and if you are consistent even when they are not happy about the consequences, you will find it works great for you too.