Love is the Predictor for Success

I just got back from a women's conference that taught lots of classes on parenting.  One of the speakers quoted recent scientific studies that said they watched children grow up and surprisingly, IQ, ACT scores, innate talents, educational opportunities and things like that were NOT a predictor of a child's success as they reached adulthood.  The main predictor was that there was LOVE in the home.

(Theyvebeenframed.wordpress.com)

The mothers were not harsh disciplinarians (though there was discipline), but that all the successful children came from loving homes.  Which goes to prove that LOVE is the main shaper of children and increases desire for good behavior.  So keep doing those love languages, and give consequences in a kind, but firm way and without anger.  It will really help your child to succeed!

Love Languages

I am reposting this for the weekend because I feel it is so important, and I'm hoping all parents at some point will have a chance to read this book!

I mentioned in a previous post that one of my favorite books is "The 5 Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman,Ph.D.  (The book on teens and the one on marriage are also really great).

I wanted to list the five love languages.  The first love language is "Words of Affirmation." 

This is a great article about complimenting children.

(source: http://www.imom.com)

 Words of affirmation are when you say nice things to your child like, "I really love it that you put your backpack away when you come in the house every day.  That is so helpful!"  You can tell your children need this when they just shine after you give them compliments.  Also they will compliment you a lot.

The next love language is "Quality Time."

(picture source: http://www.schoolsparks.com/blog)

 Some children really need a lot of one on one time.  This is where you take them on a date, or play a game with them, or read to them at bedtime.

The third love language is "touch."  

(picture source: http://www.vanillajoy.com/kid-love.html)

Many children need lots of hugs, pats, back scratches, wrestling, whatever form of touch is most comfortable to them.  You can tell this if they are always hanging on you wanting hugs or to be rocked and held if they are little.  Some children will always hit and tackle you, and that is also a sign that they need touch.

The fourth love language is "Service."

(picture source: http://www.drrobynsilverman.com)

 This is where you do things for your child, like make their lunch for school.  We all know we shouldn't do everything for our kids.  They need to be independent, but we should show them love by doing some acts of service for them.

The last love language is giving "gifts."  

(picture source: www.parentingmojo.com)

This is when you give your child a present like a souvenir from a trip.  Some children treasure gifts more than others.  It is interesting to see how they cherish and put them in special places and take them out often to look at it.  A gift can even be a special rock found at a beach.

The main point I want to make about this is that every child will have one or two "main" love languages that they need the most.  But I have discovered in my own family and through working in classrooms that ALL CHILDREN NEED ALL LOVE LANGUAGES.

Each of my children have a main one, but they crave all of them, so I have to do them all for each child, while being mindful of the one they crave the most.  As soon as I started doing the love languages with my children and trying to figure out what each child needed, my whole family improved.  I stopped having to discipline almost ever because their behavior was so good.  It was amazing.  Now usually they just do what I ask them to do.  If they don't, it usually just takes a small discussion to remedy it.  This is because they are so full of love and security that they want to do what is right.  The reason children act out is because they may feel unloved and insecure.  Not that they aren't getting love, but they may not be getting it in "their" language that they need.  So it is worth researching.

Here is a website to help you figure out your family's love languages.  It is worth the time and effort because it will make your life so much easier and your family so much happier!

Printable Chore Chart!

(thriftyhandmadedays.com)

I am totally doing this!  So easy!  Click on the caption to go to the site!

You do So Much Good in the World

Christmas Humor to Share with Your Kids

(crazy-frankenstein.com)

My kids thought this was hilarious!

Teaching Children to have "Giving Hearts"

(meetup.com)

This topic always occurs to me at this time of year, and mostly I scramble around trying to make up for forgetting to teach this principle more often during the year.  But luckily, even just teaching it at Christmas time seems to be working well.

The main way I teach this "giving' and "serving others" value to my children is through stories and example.  During our family nights in December I try to find lots of stories about "giving."  I tell the stories and ask the children what we learn from them.  Then after the stories we do some sort of project that will help others.

I think the most important part of these nights is to ask them the question, "How did this make you feel inside?"  after the family service project.  Then I explain to them that giving to others makes us happy.  Our best Christmas was one year when each child decided to give up their best gift to someone who we knew was going through the hard time of losing their father.  The kids still talk about it, and that night feels very special in our memories.

Throughout the year I also try to do many things for others and to let my children see it and participate if it is approriate.  I used to make the mistake of "giving" to others while my children were at school.  But then it occured to me that I needed to let them see me doing things for others.

This year we are going to use this idea from premeditatedleftovers.com.  I'll let you know how it turns out!

(premeditatedleftovers.com)

Here's an article by Michael Hyatt on growing generosity in your children.  And here is a link to some stories about "giving" to read to your children.

Helping Children Behave in Public Places

(mommyish.com)

We've all had one.  There is always one child who melts down every time you go shopping or to a restaurant.  Even if they are old enough not to.  I've actually had more than one.  So I've developed a method based on advice from my sister-in-law that really works, and it centers on preparation.

Step one:  Before you leave, make sure the child is fed and dressed appropriately.  Make sure you've given him enough attention this day.  If you need to, read him a story to help him feel loved.  Bring water, food, and other needed supplies if you are going to be out a long time.

Step two:  Warn the child that you are going and tell him what your objective is so he doesn't expect you to buy him a lot of stuff.

Step three:  When you are driving to your destination, tell him your expectations.  Tell him the rules of the place you are going.  Have him repeat them back.  You can offer a reward for good behavior, but only if you think it is needed.  Mostly, you should just expect the good behavior.

Step four:  Tell the child that he can only come with you if he follows the rules.  If he has a tantrum you will bring him home and go back later.  Be prepared to follow through and leave your shopping cart if you need to.  Do not tell them this if you can't follow through.  They will stop believing you and test you more the next time.  You must leave every time there is misbehavior, even if it is a fun place like a museum or swimming pool.  You don't have to yell or get angry....leaving is enough to deter the behavior.  Just be loving and firm.  Tell him you are sorry he chose not to stay.  You can even give him a hug and tell him you know he can do better the next time.

Step five:  Compliment good behavior in the store.  Give him a hug or a pat on the back when you are done.  Praise him in front of others when you get home.

This method works every time. We have virtually eliminated tantrums and whining in the store, or misbehavior in restaurants.   The key is consistancy, love, and following through.  I hope it works for your children too!