Teaching Children to Handle Anger

source: nogreaterjoy.org

As promised in an earlier post, I want to tackle the prickly subject of how to teach children to handle anger.  I teach my children that anger is like an 'alarm clock'.  It is the body's protective alarm signaling "something is wrong."  When they feel themselves getting angry, they need to stop, calm down, and think, what is wrong?  How can I fix this problem?

Some parents try and suppress children's anger, teaching them that it is 'bad'.  This is dangerous because it can lead to passive aggressive behavior.  Passive-aggressive behavior is when a strong emotion is suppressed such as anger or sadness, and it sort of leaks out of the person in their actions.  You see this when you see teens rebelling, being promiscuous, or wearing lots of rebellious clothing.  It is usually because the child needs to figure out and express and work out verbally the anger or strong emotions that they are feeling.  Children and teens in rebellion are not consciously aware of the anger they are feeling.  If you ask them, usually they don't know why they feel so unhappy.

So, it is important to keep talking with your children and teens about their struggles...even if some of it comes out angry.  It is WAY better for them to express anger verbally than through their actions.

Dr. Ross Campbell in his book, "How to Really Love your Child," talked about the Anger Ladder.  This is a chart where you can see where your child is at in terms of expressing his anger in a healthy way:  the worst being passive aggressive behavior, and the best being a calm, even pleasant response that seeks resolution.  Once you determine where your child is on the ladder, you are then supposed to move them up one rung at a time, focusing on the positives, helping them to be aware of how they are handling anger.  You may say later after things have calmed down, "I really loved how you didn't hit your sister, great job!  Maybe next time we can work on not yelling so much.  Do you think you could express your feelings in a normal voice?"

Remember that this process will move very slowly.  It will probably take until they are eighteen years old for them to master a healthy response to anger.  However, it is worth it.  We've all seen adults that still throw tantrums.  Unhealthy expressions of anger can really hurt your child socially and even professionally as they grow into adulthood.

Here is the Anger Ladder from Ross Campbell's book.  I hope it helps your family as much as it did mine!!

The Anger Ladder

Source: Ross Campbell, Kids in Danger, pg 69.

POSITIVE

1. Pleasant, seeking resolution, focusing anger on source, holding to primary complaint, thinking logically2. Pleasant, focusing anger on source, holding to primary complaint, thinking logically

POSITIVE;  NEGATIVE

3. Focusing anger on source, holding to primary complaint, thinking logically; unpleasant, loud
4. Holding to primary complaint, thinking logically; unpleasant, loud, displacing anger to other sources
5. Focusing anger on source, holding to primary complaint; unpleasant, loud, verbal abuse
6. Thinking logically; unpleasant, loud, displacing anger to other sources, expressing unrelated complaints

PRIMARILY NEGATIVE

7. Unpleasant, loud, displacing anger to other sources, expressing unrelated complaints, verbal abuse, emotionally destructive behavior
8. Unpleasant, loud, displacing anger to other sources, expressing unrelated complaints, verbal abuse, emotionally destructive behavior, verbal abuse
9. Unpleasant, loud, displacing anger to other sources, expressing unrelated complaints, verbal abuse, emotionally destructive behavior, verbal abuse, cursing
10. Focusing anger on source; unpleasant, loud, cursing, displacing anger to other sources, throwing objects, emotionally destructive behavior
11. Unpleasant, loud, cursing, displacing anger to other sources, throwing objects, emotionally destructive behavior

NEGATIVE:

12. Focusing anger on source, unpleasant, loud, cursing, destroying property, verbal abuse, emotionally destructive behavior
13. Unpleasant, loud, cursing, displacing anger to other sources, destroying property, verbal abuse, emotionally destructive behavior
14. Unpleasant, loud, cursing, displacing anger to other sources, destroying property, verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotionally destructive behavior
15. Passive-aggressive behavior